Today has been a rough day. My psych program is refusing me a simple concession that they allow for other people. Earlier I was livid and upset. Now I just don't care. It is just more evidence that my reasons for wanting to commit suicide are valid. Even my psych program and the psych hospital don't think my life is worth anything. I wrote goodbye notes to my kids during class. The ladies at group wanted to walk me over to the hospital but I refused. I don't want to go inpatient again. Will I hurt myself tonight? Yes. Will I KILL myself tonight? Probably not. I am alone here with my kids. I think finding me dead is a scar they should not have to bear.
I know you people reading this are thinking, "Oh, finding you they shouldn't bear but you being dead they can handle fine? Hello!?" You have to remember two things: 1) I will be burden to them all their lives if I am alive and 2) we are Catholic and they will be surrounded by people who love them who will help them understand that sadness, while difficult, is not a bad thing and they will pray for my soul and move on with their lives being raised by one or both of the most wonderful women on the planet.
God Bless all who read this.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sad and Lonely
Today I drove on the freeway for the first time in two months. I don;t know how I ever got comfortable with doing that. It is hundreds of people, not all intelligent, driving huge machines that can kill people at high rates of speed controlled by nothing more than PAINT in the ground. It was very stressful but I made it.
Then I had an appointment with my therapist. I have decided to stay with the therapist I am seeing even though he can only see me once a week. I am comfortable with him and I trust him. Hopefully once a week will be often enough. Today was rough. We went over the whole mess that was my 15th year. Most than half my life ago. I was certain I was over all the crap that happened back then. I was a teenager. Who gives a crap what happened back then? Everyone's high school life sucked, right? Did I have it worse than others? Maybe, but, again, who cares?
I have never been one who believed in blaming adult problems on childhood troubles. It goes so against the Catholic and American ideal of personal responsibility. My therapist today said he "[felt] so sad" that I went through the things I was telling him about. The whole appointment hit a nerve but I'm not sure what kind. I am left feeling lost and sad and a little raw.
On top of that I am feeling lonely because today was a day of celebration and I could not thank a hero directly as I intended. But that is my egotism, wanting to celebrate the safety of a man for whom I and my family have prayed every night for a year. It hurts because it is indicative of the family I feel I have lost.
I am, I have found, fundamentally unlovable. I don't know what to do with that.
God Bless all who read this.
Then I had an appointment with my therapist. I have decided to stay with the therapist I am seeing even though he can only see me once a week. I am comfortable with him and I trust him. Hopefully once a week will be often enough. Today was rough. We went over the whole mess that was my 15th year. Most than half my life ago. I was certain I was over all the crap that happened back then. I was a teenager. Who gives a crap what happened back then? Everyone's high school life sucked, right? Did I have it worse than others? Maybe, but, again, who cares?
I have never been one who believed in blaming adult problems on childhood troubles. It goes so against the Catholic and American ideal of personal responsibility. My therapist today said he "[felt] so sad" that I went through the things I was telling him about. The whole appointment hit a nerve but I'm not sure what kind. I am left feeling lost and sad and a little raw.
On top of that I am feeling lonely because today was a day of celebration and I could not thank a hero directly as I intended. But that is my egotism, wanting to celebrate the safety of a man for whom I and my family have prayed every night for a year. It hurts because it is indicative of the family I feel I have lost.
I am, I have found, fundamentally unlovable. I don't know what to do with that.
God Bless all who read this.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Today is going to be better
I know it is late in the day but I wanted to post this anyway. I had some energy when I woke up this morning so I have done some laundry and other cleaning. I have some work I have to do for my (?) job today then I plan to play games with the kids this evening. It will not get as bad tonight as it was last night. It can't.
Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with my priest. I am hopeful this will bring some peace and courage.
I know I am supposed to write in this blog as part of my therapy but still I wonder why I do it. it feels very exhibitionist. It does serve as a bit of a release valve. it is also helpful for me to get my thoughts out of my head. They are somehow easier to manipulate once they are not bouncing around in the confines of my skull. This, I suppose, is also a place where I have a modicum of control still. In so much of my life i feel like I am watching a movie of my life rather than living it. This blog is my creation entirely. And yet, I feel like I am somehow glorifying myself and this depression by putting it into words. When I started this blog it was both for therapeutic reasons and in hopes of making someone, somewhere not feel as alone I have. I feel less like that is a possibility and more like this is an experiment in egocentricity. Of course this whole situation feels like an exercise in egocentricity.
Anyway, tonight will be better. Because I command it. And I am that powerful.
God Bless all who read this.
Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with my priest. I am hopeful this will bring some peace and courage.
I know I am supposed to write in this blog as part of my therapy but still I wonder why I do it. it feels very exhibitionist. It does serve as a bit of a release valve. it is also helpful for me to get my thoughts out of my head. They are somehow easier to manipulate once they are not bouncing around in the confines of my skull. This, I suppose, is also a place where I have a modicum of control still. In so much of my life i feel like I am watching a movie of my life rather than living it. This blog is my creation entirely. And yet, I feel like I am somehow glorifying myself and this depression by putting it into words. When I started this blog it was both for therapeutic reasons and in hopes of making someone, somewhere not feel as alone I have. I feel less like that is a possibility and more like this is an experiment in egocentricity. Of course this whole situation feels like an exercise in egocentricity.
Anyway, tonight will be better. Because I command it. And I am that powerful.
God Bless all who read this.
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