So today's planned exercise was to walk a circuit around the building. My doctor told me to take it slow and not do too much. When my baby girl decided she was going to go on the walk with me I didn't feel like I could stop after just the one circuit. So, I kept walking. I walked until the pinched nerve was making my back scream. Then I sat very quickly in a folding chair my husband had lovingly provided so I didn't have to navigate the toy landmine between the front door and my chair inside.
Then something lovely happened. Once I stopped trying to hack a lung up, I sat in the shade sipping my Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry (while my precious girl sat in a chair next to me sipping milk because she wanted to be with me) and I felt......good. It took a few minutes for the feeling to return to my backside (side effect of that lovely pinched nerve) and my knees made it clear I was not their friend, but I felt good. I know going for a ten minute walk is not big deal for most people, heck it will only get you a fifth of the way through COSTCO, but for me this was huge on so many levels.
For one, this was in public. I am violently paranoid about seeing people who I will have to encounter more than once so walking in my
kerchief, with my pronounced limp, with my 3 year old yelling, "Hurry up Mama!" was a real stand against my depression. Second, and I know this is pathetic, I did entirely of my own free will. I hadn't told anyone my plan so they could remind me; I wasn't
guilted into by my mother's chiding. I made the plan and I followed through. I haven't had that kind of willpower since this whole depression ordeal began. I have been getting through doing exactly as much as I have to do and tyring to stay out of anything else just to keep balance. I felt good to feel in control and not feel completely overwhelmed by it. And last, but not least, I pushed myself even though I knew the pain would come. I have been very wimpy about challenging myself physically since the RA diagnosis. I have to admit I am still a little scared of the pain that will come tomorrow, but for today I pushed it.
So we sat there, my
LoveBug and I, sipping our drinks. As I sat there I thought, "I made it ten minutes. I bet I could make it another five." I know, I'm as shocked as you are. So up the bug and I got and around we went again. No way could I have made it to 20 minutes but I made it fifteen. I am irrationally proud of myself.
Tomorrow if my first weigh in and meeting for WW. I am excited and nervous and just a little nauseous. I have picked a meeting led by the leader I loved 8 years ago the last time I did WW with any real intention of sticking to it. I am fairly certain this was a good idea.
Wish me luck. Offer up a prayer that I handle the results of said weigh in well.
God Bless all who read this.
