Happy and irritated

This is an odd combination. I am happy because my sister gave birth to beautiful baby girl last night. She is perfect, as are all my sister's babies with their chubby cheeks and heads full of hair. I hate that she is so far away and I cannot hold her. My sister sounds wonderful today after her surgery so all is well there.

I am irritated because I had planned to exsanguinate in the shower today but my husband let me sleep in and my kids got off school early so I did not get the chance to take a shower. So now I must make a new plan. Grrr...

I am trying to keep myself distracted with FB and games and kids' homework. I have found that piercing myself with a large safety pin both focuses my thinking (suicidal thoughts tend to be racing and confused) and gives me a bit of a high. I will utilize this trick to get through this evening. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and not want to make a new plan at all. I doubt it as it has been days but we shall see. I have the knife hidden and sharpened and I have tested it to make sure that it will be effective with minimal effort. It is just the timing that is difficult because I don't want my kids being the ones to find me.

My poor Guerren is already too much like me. I have already cursed him to a childhood of being taken advantage of. Once his classmates actually see me he will have a whole new world of taunting to deal with. I should have just killed myself that first day back in November. My kids would be being homeschooled my my sister in Missouri if I had. My selfishness and gutlessness are visibly hurting my children. I should have just left my wound unattended after Lily was born. It would have gotten infected, my family would have gotten my life insurance money, my family would be out of debt and my kids would have been raised by better than I since then.

God, you hold my sweet angel babies close to you. Please hold my sweet living babies close to you too. It is not their fault they were born to such as I and You can bring good even from the failure which has been their lives thus far. I commit them, again, to your care, Dear Lord. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. I am sorry for all the times I have turned from Your right path and foiled Your perfect plans. Amen.

God Bless all who read this.

Again?

Today has been a rough day. My psych program is refusing me a simple concession that they allow for other people. Earlier I was livid and upset. Now I just don't care. It is just more evidence that my reasons for wanting to commit suicide are valid. Even my psych program and the psych hospital don't think my life is worth anything. I wrote goodbye notes to my kids during class. The ladies at group wanted to walk me over to the hospital but I refused. I don't want to go inpatient again. Will I hurt myself tonight? Yes. Will I KILL myself tonight? Probably not. I am alone here with my kids. I think finding me dead is a scar they should not have to bear.

I know you people reading this are thinking, "Oh, finding you they shouldn't bear but you being dead they can handle fine? Hello!?" You have to remember two things: 1) I will be burden to them all their lives if I am alive and 2) we are Catholic and they will be surrounded by people who love them who will help them understand that sadness, while difficult, is not a bad thing and they will pray for my soul and move on with their lives being raised by one or both of the most wonderful women on the planet.

God Bless all who read this.

5 out of 4

Well, today has been a bit bipolar. I wasn't. My day was. I was expecting today to be a blah low day thus the expectation that it would be a 4 out of 10. A slap fight and a broken foot saved it and bumped it up to a 5.

I woke up late so we didn't get to get the tree today like I planned which was a bummer. Not as much of a bummer as it should have been though. Luckily I woke up and found some lovely supportive emails in my inbox.

I am still extremely irritable. My poor kids, I try to hold my temper but they seem to think that because I am here they all three should be talking to at the same time at all times. Snapping ensued.

Then the big low hit. My boss called and needed me to do a bunch of stuff for her so she can have an accounting company do part of my job while I am off. She is still very short and business-like with me. It made me cry which just made her irritated. So that was a big ugly low. I feel so guilty for the trouble I am causing her. I am very afraid she is not going to enjoy the trip to New York she is taking this week because she is going to have to be in constant contact with the office. I am one of THOSE employees and it is driving me nuts.

And it is so my fault because I have been falling apart for more than a year. I new I was falling apart but instead of asking for help I just kept fighting trying to keep it together by myself. This is true both personally and professionally.

Then I had what I thought was going to be a low be a sort of mixed blessing. My Mama broke her foot. Because of her RA and her meds every major injury is a big concern. Praise the Lord she didn't need surgery. They reset it and booted it. She can walk with the boot but will be off for a month. She is not even in a great deal of pain since she is on pain meds always anyway. So now, while I am off work for a month, my Mama is off work for a month. That right there is a blessing.

So I thought the day would end at the four I expected. Then this evening it got salvaged by candy cane reindeer and a game of Pictionary. Both were the pleasure/nightmare combo that all projects with my three kids are. But the multiple high fives that morphed into a (play) slap fight is what bumped the day up a notch. All three of my kids giggling like crazy (no pun intended) is one of my favorite sounds in the world. Everyone keeps telling me, and I keep hanging desperately onto, the fact I adore my children. I'm going to try to replay that moment in my head when I start to get down tomorrow.

I am going to predict an optimistic 5 again for tomorrow.

God Bless all who read this.