Before I fill you in there are a couple of things I need to do:
1) Thank y0u God for putting in my life the hospital and doctors I needed to really start to get well. Forgive me for trying so hard to reject this gift of life you have given to me.
2) Thank you to all my readers who have prayed for me. Your prayers have kept me safe and held me up through all of this. If you can still spare them, I still need them.
As you know from my last post, I sliced open my abdomen in hopes of bleeding out and dying but it did not work. After that I went to the ER, got 14 staples and an mental evaluation and then spent hours waiting for them to find me a bed. After 14 hours in the ER I was shipped to psych hospital about an hour away. This was a big modern hospital. I was given and very sharp, caring psychiatrist who changed up my meds. In less than a week the change was already obvious. They kept me 11 days then sent me home with my new meds.
I am doing really well psychologically. My wound is infected and I am going to have to have it operated on in the near future. I am enjoying being home with my kids who are on break.
Thank you again for all the prayers; they are why I'm still alive.
God Bless all who read this.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
:(
I did it. It didn't work. I can't even get killing myself right. Feeling angry and sad and stupid and useless. Don't know what will happen now.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A plan
I think I have a plan. I think I will stick to my exsanguination plan in the shower tonight but I will bar the door so that it takes adult strength to open it that way if the kids wake up and look for me (which is doubtful as my husband gets home before they wake up usually) they won't be able to open the door. I really think my husband will get home, check the bedroom, see I'm not there and go looking for me and find me.
I hope I have the guts. I should have done it my first night in last time. It would have been perfect. I had the knife, my family wouldn't have had to find me. I had to over think it and wait until my kids were going to be out of town. That is what messed me up last time.
This time I am going to succeed. I am going to end my family's long term pain with a little short term grief.
God Bless all who read this.
I hope I have the guts. I should have done it my first night in last time. It would have been perfect. I had the knife, my family wouldn't have had to find me. I had to over think it and wait until my kids were going to be out of town. That is what messed me up last time.
This time I am going to succeed. I am going to end my family's long term pain with a little short term grief.
God Bless all who read this.
Experiment
Even I can only cause myself so much pain in one sitting before it stops focusing my brain. So I am trying sort of the opposite. We are going to find out what alcohol does to me with all the psychotropics in my system. Don't worry, my kids are perfectly safe. I'm not getting drunk, I'm having one mixed drink. We've all had dinner and the kids are watching a movie. Hopefully it will fuzz my brain enough that I won't be sitting here researching drug toxicities anymore.
You know, I have several people I could call. They have all said I can call anytime when I am feeling this way. But I know what they will say. They will tell me to go get evaluated at the hospital. But I have been in the hospital 3 times. THREE times. I don't know why the meds keep wearing off. The part of me that wants to believe all this therapy and medication and work are worth it because I'm worth it is too embarrassed to admit I am in this hole. Again. Already. Most of me feels stupid for having spent all this time and trouble when everyone would be better off without me.
Well I am pretty warm now.
God Bless all you read this.
You know, I have several people I could call. They have all said I can call anytime when I am feeling this way. But I know what they will say. They will tell me to go get evaluated at the hospital. But I have been in the hospital 3 times. THREE times. I don't know why the meds keep wearing off. The part of me that wants to believe all this therapy and medication and work are worth it because I'm worth it is too embarrassed to admit I am in this hole. Again. Already. Most of me feels stupid for having spent all this time and trouble when everyone would be better off without me.
Well I am pretty warm now.
God Bless all you read this.
Happy and irritated
This is an odd combination. I am happy because my sister gave birth to beautiful baby girl last night. She is perfect, as are all my sister's babies with their chubby cheeks and heads full of hair. I hate that she is so far away and I cannot hold her. My sister sounds wonderful today after her surgery so all is well there.
I am irritated because I had planned to exsanguinate in the shower today but my husband let me sleep in and my kids got off school early so I did not get the chance to take a shower. So now I must make a new plan. Grrr...
I am trying to keep myself distracted with FB and games and kids' homework. I have found that piercing myself with a large safety pin both focuses my thinking (suicidal thoughts tend to be racing and confused) and gives me a bit of a high. I will utilize this trick to get through this evening. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and not want to make a new plan at all. I doubt it as it has been days but we shall see. I have the knife hidden and sharpened and I have tested it to make sure that it will be effective with minimal effort. It is just the timing that is difficult because I don't want my kids being the ones to find me.
My poor Guerren is already too much like me. I have already cursed him to a childhood of being taken advantage of. Once his classmates actually see me he will have a whole new world of taunting to deal with. I should have just killed myself that first day back in November. My kids would be being homeschooled my my sister in Missouri if I had. My selfishness and gutlessness are visibly hurting my children. I should have just left my wound unattended after Lily was born. It would have gotten infected, my family would have gotten my life insurance money, my family would be out of debt and my kids would have been raised by better than I since then.
God, you hold my sweet angel babies close to you. Please hold my sweet living babies close to you too. It is not their fault they were born to such as I and You can bring good even from the failure which has been their lives thus far. I commit them, again, to your care, Dear Lord. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. I am sorry for all the times I have turned from Your right path and foiled Your perfect plans. Amen.
God Bless all who read this.
I am irritated because I had planned to exsanguinate in the shower today but my husband let me sleep in and my kids got off school early so I did not get the chance to take a shower. So now I must make a new plan. Grrr...
I am trying to keep myself distracted with FB and games and kids' homework. I have found that piercing myself with a large safety pin both focuses my thinking (suicidal thoughts tend to be racing and confused) and gives me a bit of a high. I will utilize this trick to get through this evening. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and not want to make a new plan at all. I doubt it as it has been days but we shall see. I have the knife hidden and sharpened and I have tested it to make sure that it will be effective with minimal effort. It is just the timing that is difficult because I don't want my kids being the ones to find me.
My poor Guerren is already too much like me. I have already cursed him to a childhood of being taken advantage of. Once his classmates actually see me he will have a whole new world of taunting to deal with. I should have just killed myself that first day back in November. My kids would be being homeschooled my my sister in Missouri if I had. My selfishness and gutlessness are visibly hurting my children. I should have just left my wound unattended after Lily was born. It would have gotten infected, my family would have gotten my life insurance money, my family would be out of debt and my kids would have been raised by better than I since then.
God, you hold my sweet angel babies close to you. Please hold my sweet living babies close to you too. It is not their fault they were born to such as I and You can bring good even from the failure which has been their lives thus far. I commit them, again, to your care, Dear Lord. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. I am sorry for all the times I have turned from Your right path and foiled Your perfect plans. Amen.
God Bless all who read this.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Again?
Today has been a rough day. My psych program is refusing me a simple concession that they allow for other people. Earlier I was livid and upset. Now I just don't care. It is just more evidence that my reasons for wanting to commit suicide are valid. Even my psych program and the psych hospital don't think my life is worth anything. I wrote goodbye notes to my kids during class. The ladies at group wanted to walk me over to the hospital but I refused. I don't want to go inpatient again. Will I hurt myself tonight? Yes. Will I KILL myself tonight? Probably not. I am alone here with my kids. I think finding me dead is a scar they should not have to bear.
I know you people reading this are thinking, "Oh, finding you they shouldn't bear but you being dead they can handle fine? Hello!?" You have to remember two things: 1) I will be burden to them all their lives if I am alive and 2) we are Catholic and they will be surrounded by people who love them who will help them understand that sadness, while difficult, is not a bad thing and they will pray for my soul and move on with their lives being raised by one or both of the most wonderful women on the planet.
God Bless all who read this.
I know you people reading this are thinking, "Oh, finding you they shouldn't bear but you being dead they can handle fine? Hello!?" You have to remember two things: 1) I will be burden to them all their lives if I am alive and 2) we are Catholic and they will be surrounded by people who love them who will help them understand that sadness, while difficult, is not a bad thing and they will pray for my soul and move on with their lives being raised by one or both of the most wonderful women on the planet.
God Bless all who read this.
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