Post off as therapy

So yesterday we had a post off on my board on iVillage. I had a great time. I had never been in a post off before. I posted 400 times yesterday. It was exhausting. But I SO needed it. You see I have had a very big thing on my mind lately.

Last October DH and I went on a World Wide Marriage Encounter weekend. During the sharing he informed my that when Susannah was born and I could not see if she had been born or if I had passed more blood clots and so I asked him to look and tell me, he saw that she had been born and did not tell me. More, he saw her mouth move. I almost threw up when I heard this. My biggest recurring nightmare is that Susannah lay on the table dying after she was born. From that big push to when a doctor finally came into our room in the ER was over 40 minutes. I have many times dreamt that she lay there gasping for breath with no one holding her and loving her as she died. I called my mom that night and told her the story and she assured me that Susannah's muscles were just snapping back into place after having been squeezed during delivery. I accepted that explanation as my mother is a nurse.

Well my kids got into a box (we're moving) and pulled out Susannah's hospital records. I had avoided pulling them out since October as I did not want to be angry with my DH. But I looked when I put them back the other. You see we had an ultrasound just after my water broke and just before Susannah was born. The radiology report says she was deformed (her hand was caught up under her chin) and that she was entering the birth canal. It repeatedly says 'fetal demise', once with the word "assumed" preceding it. Not once does it say that she had no heartbeat. I would think that would be vital information unless of course her heart was still beating at the time of the ultrasound.

While I know she wasn't gasping for breath since she was getting oxygen through the umbilical cord, it kills me to think she may have been lying there dying on the table among the wreckage of her placenta when I could have cradled her as she passed.

I am so sick and angry. What kind of man sees that his daughter has been born, lies to his heavily drugged wife saying that he cannot tell if she has been born or not, leaves that daughter lying in a nightmare on the table and does not even go in the hall and get a doctor or nurse? What kind of man does that? What if I could have picked her up and met her for even just a few moments and held her as she went to be with Jesus?

Before these revelations I had felt that she actually died on 5/28 and then was not born until 6/1. I want so desperately to get back to believing that.

I am so sick and angry and sad.

My Joys

To speak or not to speak

Today I had a couple of occasions for which I had to decide whether to comment or stay silent. The first was online. Someone made an unkind jest about a picture of my children. I leap to Mama Bear in 0 seconds flat when my kids are involved. So I responded. Then a dear friend reminded me that some people are not worth talking to because they will never listen because they choose not to listen. So I went back and deleted my post. I still feel dumb for having taken the bait. But they're my babies and NO ONE should ever speak even potentially ill of them let alone actually. My ego gets the better of me often.

The second time was in discussing my best friend's parenting choices. I think she is too permissive with her daughter and she knows it. I waver between leaving it at the fact that she knows I am more conservative than she and therefore disagree or speaking up because what kind of friend says nothing when you are hurting yourself or your children? I sort of decided item by item tonight. I think I balanced it well. In the end, she's the mom and she is more permissive than I would be. And she is a loving mom.

I have been told that being a loving mom makes up for a lot of mistakes. How many though, I wonder? (This is no longer about my best friend, by the way, her mistakes aren't huge enough.) If you are making huge mistakes or innumerable mistakes, can you really call yourself a loving parent? If you really loved your kids, wouldn 't you educate yourself or restrain yourself or put in the effort necessary to NOT make so many or such big mistakes?

Sometimes I think I am a terrible mother. Sometimes I am a terrible mother. I adore my children but I am very volatile. And while I have always believed that blowing up and then getting over things is more productive than staying calm and brooding, I wonder if this cycle is too much for my kids or if it is just normal for them. Does it help for them to always know what I think and feel and mean or would it be better for them to not be as sure because my mood never changes. I know I will never get to a place where I am calm always, but I think I need to find more of a balance than I have now. Dr Guarendi's book has really helped. It all seems so common sense but his advice is so practicable versus the generalities of so much advice that I just love it.

By the way, since we are still getting to know each other, I have the greatest kids in the world. I know, just like every other mother :) They make me smile just to think about them. I thank God for them, every day.

God Bless all who read this.

What it's about

This is not my first attempt at a blog. I have been tripped up before by feeling like my blog had to have a specific subject. I cannot write if I am boxed in like that. So here I am, with Random Interjection. That is the way my mind works so that is the way my blog works. Probably, no one will ever read it, but it will be here nonetheless.

You will read about my politics, my religion, my husband, my children, my babies that I lost, my work and any number of other issues. I will tell you at the outset, I am a Conservative Catholic and I am still mourning the loss of my Sweet Susannah who was born still 3 years ago. I am also morbidly obese and battling food and life and myself in trying to lose weight so I can have Gastric Bypass surgery. These are the things you will here most about.

God Bless all who read this.