My poor baby

My oldest has the saddest eyes. He has pink eye and the antibiotic drops did not work. Now he has to have this thick nasty ointment in his eyes. He is such a trooper about it. I am so proud of him. He did so well in Kindergarten and he is growing up all the time. Sometimes I forget he is only five and expect too much of him. He has such a tough job being the oldest. We have to make all our mistakes on him. I hope we don't screw him up too badly. He is such a sweet, generous, loving little boy. He wants a new baby.

I want a new baby too. But I can't have a new baby because I am disgusting fat pig and I cannot seem to stick to a diet long enough to lose the weight I need to lose to get my gastric bypass surgery. Am I scared of the surgery? Do I want to die? I do not understand why I can't do it. Sometimes I conscoisuly make decisions to eat things I shouldn't. Other times I don't realize until a meal is over that I just at twice as much as I really needed. How pathetic is that?

I don't want to think about this. I want to go to bed.

Goodnight.

A great American died

My friend JD Delaney died. I had not seen him in years. He was this wonderfully crusty old man who new everything about building sets and many colorful ways to cuss at you. "Measure twice, cut once, don't f**k up." I heard him give this advice to young impressionable kids many times. And those kids loved him. And they they learned the value of hard work and using your brain and living up to your responsibilities. And how to cuss. The good outweighed the bad :)

JD was a war hero. The genuine article. He served in three wars and was decorated repeatedly. He was a weapons specialist or maybe a bomb specialist. He claimed to have invented napalm while cleaning latrines. JD was a great American. A true hero. He loved his wife, his country, his family and kids of all ages.

I miss him but I know, foul mouth and all, that he is in a better place.

God Bless all who read this.

Just listen, and He speaks

A couple days ago, I got the coolest thing ever. It is called God on the Go. It is the entire Bible on a thumb drive. It will link me to the daily mass readings or I can browse by subject or just look through the chapters and verses.

I decided that I would read the daily readings every day and then randomly scroll through the books and then the chapters allowing God to choose my personal reading for the day. Well ask and yes shall receive. Yesterday He led me to Proverbs and parenting advice. Today He led me to Luke and a passage to ease my mind about our tight money situation. It makes me feel warm and loved.

You know, I am a terrible Catholic. I know in my heart that God loves all of us regardless of our sin and unworthiness. I can, entirely honestly, tell someone else exactly that fact and I know it is true. Yet, for myself, I don't really believe. I may have an enormous ego, but I have never felt like God could really love me enough to care about the little things in my world, or even the big things considering how big the whole world is. I know He has saved my life on more than one occasion and he has given me my children and that he watches over us. And yet there is that barrier there.

There didn't used to be a barrier. When I was a kid I would chat with God as I walked down the street perfectly comfortable in the knowledge that he was listening and even responding in a way. I have not felt that closeness to Him since college. And I know the old, "if God feels far away, guess who moved," bit. But I don't know how to get back there. And I don't get how I can know, and be comfortable in my knowledge of, His love and yet still feel this way. I know it is me, but I don't know how to get out of my own way. I want to read Mother Theresa's book because she felt a distance and persevered through it. I am hoping for inspiration.

Thanks for listening.

God double bless all who read this since I forgot to bless y'all last night.