The countdown begins

I have appointments with my shrink, my doc and the hospital on Monday.

I am hopeful and terrified at the same time. I am hopeful that the focus and intensive therapy will get me back to my normal self again. I am terrified for a whole host of reasons.

First it scares me that this is what I really need. I know that makes no sense but I am not used to being, well, crazy. PPD was one thing. It was contained and had a definitive source and usually a definitive end. This nebulous bouncing from nearly normal to suicidal is uncomfortable. Also, I am scared this isn't what I really need. If I am wrong in the head, how can I trust my experience of what is going on there? In my rational mind I know it is not normal to think constantly about plunging a knife into one's own chest or ear or to want to drive off the freeway. In my rational mind I know that I cannot going on feeling that my family would be better off without me..

And that right there is my biggest fear. We are going to go through all this time and expense, and I may lose my job, and I just don't think it is worth it. Most all of the people in my day to day life would be better off without me. Their lives would be substantively improved by my absence, even those who would have a temporary upset from the loss. How can I ask them, then, to go to so much trouble to keep me here?

I wish most forms of suicide were not so flagrantly evident. Of course, since everyone knows I am suicidal, I could have a genuine car accident and they will probably think it is suicide anyway.

I need to make an appointment with my priest. I need to have my confession heard and get the anointing of the sick.

Please for God's will in my life.

God Bless all who read this.