Merry Christmas all! I hope all of you were blessed with peace and joy and family this Christmas. I had two celebrations this year. A wonderful Christmas Eve with my little family at home complete with stockings and tree and Mass. Christmas Day was spent with my whole huge family made up of nine adults, 12 children and my sister's very pregnant belly. The celebration was only slightly tempered by the knowledge that my sister and her family would be leaving two days later. It was a very blessed Christmas.
Things had been going well since my last post. I was feeling more myself and was not as irritable. I was optimistic because I knew that we had gotten a Wii for Christmas for our family. We have all already enjoyed it, thought I have been quite sore. Plans were for the truck to be packed on Sunday the 26th and then they would leave early AM on the 27th. My kids and I were going to spend the day and night on the 26th and see them off pre-dawn on the 27th. Then things fell apart. I won't go into the gory details but there were meltdowns and other assorted drama that resulted in my last evening with my sister being destroyed.
My mood had already tanked a bit the day before but I attributed that to the insomnia I have been experiencing since my last medication change. Sunday night though I was not in just a low mood. The suicidal thoughts came rushing back and we barely made it home. Thank God my kids were in the car. Again, without getting into the gory details, I fell completely apart, cried so hard I could not breathe and, eventually, hurt myself. No, I did not attempt suicide.
How can I explain the state of mind that leads to hurting oneself? It was not just a matter of being sad or angry. It was a need that I could not talk myself out of. It is frustrating and scary to be of two minds. My rational mind is telling my to get over it and ignore the thoughts. At the same time this thing, this depression, this whatever it is hounds away at me overwhelming my rational mind. Still this just barely scrapes at what the experience is actually like.
And so, after learning this today, my doctor informed me that he wants me off work for another month. After some discussion of inpatient treatment he looked me in the eye and said, "I don't want to have to call (the hospital) and tell you that you cannot leave until the ambulance comes to take you there. I would much rather you be a part of that decision, so will you go?" After some discussion of my current lack of childcare support he agreed to let me put off going to the hospital until my parents are able to care for my kids with the understanding that if I get to the point of hurting myself again that I will go straight to the hospital, by ambulance if necessary.
How do I feel about this? I really don't know. Part of me yearns to go and get my mind back under control. Part of me is terrified of being in the "loony bin," even voluntarily. Part of me hates the thought of leaving my babies. Part of me feels lazy and selfish. Part of me is scared it won't work.
So that is how my week has been. I will try to keep up the blog between now and when I go in.
God Bless all who read this.
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