I was chatting with a dear friend this evening and I told her that it is not so much that I want to kill myself as it is that I do not want to be alive. When the suicidal thoughts I refer to come around those are specific thoughts of killing myself. Today however is just a general dismay at the reality that I am a burden in this world. Someone said to me recently that I like to play the victim. I very much do not comprehend that comment. Someone who is a victim believes s/he has no part in the nightmare that s/he lives in. That could not be more untrue for me. I know that I am the problem.
I hate being the problem. I hate being the person my family has to handle. My parents are just beginning retirement, why should they have to worry about their adult child like this? My sister and her family are off on a new chapter in their life, why should they have to call to check on and worry about me? My beautiful babies are such sweet, precious little people. Why should their whole lives be burdened by a crazy mother?
So much effort to help one person just to burden so many others. I made a promise so I will see it through but it seems wrong to me.
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