Been Busy

Man, I am the worst blogger. Three days with no posts.

The last few days have been busy and good. Got all my Christmas wrapping done. Celebrated my niece's First Holy Communion. Had a fascinating theological discussion. No suicidal thoughts. No sitting crying and overwhelmed. I think the docs finally got the meds right.

I love and hate that fact at the same time. I hate that I need medication, and psychological medication at that. At the same time, the fact that the medication has worked so well reinforces for me that my problem has been a physical malfunction, like a broken leg, that needed to reset and given time to heal.

I am really looking forward to Christmas now. It took me a long time this year to get into the spirit but I'm there now and I can't wait. The kids are being impossibly good about the tree and the gifts. It makes me think maybe I'm not as bad a mama as I had thought I was. Even typing that makes my chest tighten. I am not sure yet whether it is because I believe it or because i am not sure of it. I am a control freak so that not knowing annoys the crap out of me but I am getting better at accepting such things.

An email came in today that worries me very much. it is a proposal from one of my vendors at work for my favorite part of my job. I am very concerned as to what this means. It could mean my boss is planning on terminating me upon my return in January. It could mean she is planning on taking some of my duties off my desk to reduce my stress. The latter, in and of itself is not a bad thing, but the part of my job this proposal would remove from my desk is the only part of my job that is worthwhile. The rest of my job is really just make work. My clients could do it easily. Yes it would be more expensive to do it themselves, but, really, my duties are not vital. My job hasn't always been worthless but a change that occurred this past July has basically made my regular duties rather pointless.

My retirees, however, that would be taken away by this proposal, are precious to me. I go to their homes and get to know them and help through various troubling times. Sometimes I am just there to talk to when they are alone and worried. It would be devastating to me to lose them.

And as I type that I realize how petrified I am to return to work at all. I am hoping that feeling wears off before January. I am hoping I will start to get antsy staying at home. We shall see I guess.

I will give the last few days solid 7's. We're not at 10 yet which would mean that I feel back to my old self. I still have that feeling like the world isn't quite real. The paranoia also isn't gone yet. But two weeks ago I never would have believed I could have improved this much in just 2 weeks. I attribute the improvement to the medicine, yes, but more so to the prayers of my family and loved ones.

I'm nervous about my shrink appointment tomorrow to i will only expect a 6 so I can hopefully be pleasantly surprised.

God Bless all who read this.