Post off as therapy

So yesterday we had a post off on my board on iVillage. I had a great time. I had never been in a post off before. I posted 400 times yesterday. It was exhausting. But I SO needed it. You see I have had a very big thing on my mind lately.

Last October DH and I went on a World Wide Marriage Encounter weekend. During the sharing he informed my that when Susannah was born and I could not see if she had been born or if I had passed more blood clots and so I asked him to look and tell me, he saw that she had been born and did not tell me. More, he saw her mouth move. I almost threw up when I heard this. My biggest recurring nightmare is that Susannah lay on the table dying after she was born. From that big push to when a doctor finally came into our room in the ER was over 40 minutes. I have many times dreamt that she lay there gasping for breath with no one holding her and loving her as she died. I called my mom that night and told her the story and she assured me that Susannah's muscles were just snapping back into place after having been squeezed during delivery. I accepted that explanation as my mother is a nurse.

Well my kids got into a box (we're moving) and pulled out Susannah's hospital records. I had avoided pulling them out since October as I did not want to be angry with my DH. But I looked when I put them back the other. You see we had an ultrasound just after my water broke and just before Susannah was born. The radiology report says she was deformed (her hand was caught up under her chin) and that she was entering the birth canal. It repeatedly says 'fetal demise', once with the word "assumed" preceding it. Not once does it say that she had no heartbeat. I would think that would be vital information unless of course her heart was still beating at the time of the ultrasound.

While I know she wasn't gasping for breath since she was getting oxygen through the umbilical cord, it kills me to think she may have been lying there dying on the table among the wreckage of her placenta when I could have cradled her as she passed.

I am so sick and angry. What kind of man sees that his daughter has been born, lies to his heavily drugged wife saying that he cannot tell if she has been born or not, leaves that daughter lying in a nightmare on the table and does not even go in the hall and get a doctor or nurse? What kind of man does that? What if I could have picked her up and met her for even just a few moments and held her as she went to be with Jesus?

Before these revelations I had felt that she actually died on 5/28 and then was not born until 6/1. I want so desperately to get back to believing that.

I am so sick and angry and sad.