A couple days ago, I got the coolest thing ever. It is called God on the Go. It is the entire Bible on a thumb drive. It will link me to the daily mass readings or I can browse by subject or just look through the chapters and verses.
I decided that I would read the daily readings every day and then randomly scroll through the books and then the chapters allowing God to choose my personal reading for the day. Well ask and yes shall receive. Yesterday He led me to Proverbs and parenting advice. Today He led me to Luke and a passage to ease my mind about our tight money situation. It makes me feel warm and loved.
You know, I am a terrible Catholic. I know in my heart that God loves all of us regardless of our sin and unworthiness. I can, entirely honestly, tell someone else exactly that fact and I know it is true. Yet, for myself, I don't really believe. I may have an enormous ego, but I have never felt like God could really love me enough to care about the little things in my world, or even the big things considering how big the whole world is. I know He has saved my life on more than one occasion and he has given me my children and that he watches over us. And yet there is that barrier there.
There didn't used to be a barrier. When I was a kid I would chat with God as I walked down the street perfectly comfortable in the knowledge that he was listening and even responding in a way. I have not felt that closeness to Him since college. And I know the old, "if God feels far away, guess who moved," bit. But I don't know how to get back there. And I don't get how I can know, and be comfortable in my knowledge of, His love and yet still feel this way. I know it is me, but I don't know how to get out of my own way. I want to read Mother Theresa's book because she felt a distance and persevered through it. I am hoping for inspiration.
Thanks for listening.
God double bless all who read this since I forgot to bless y'all last night.
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