One more

I thought that last post would be my last before going inpatient but since I have not been able to get even a moment of sleep tonight (it is 5:16 am my time right now) I guess I will post here again as I have nothing else to do and can only play so many rounds of solitaire before I lose my mind. Oh wait, I already lost my mind. Until I...beat myself senseless. No wait, I've done that too. Ummmmmmm....moving on.

I am amazed at the number of things flying through my brain when I try to sleep tonight. First, as always, is the parade of guilt: Hitting my sister in the back when we were kids (she has back problems to this day, though she says they are from falling out of a hammock and RA), ruining my brother's surprise gift to me by guessing it (and the later event of ruining his gift giving excitement because I knew about ice cube lights), the untold number of people I led away from God when I thought I knew God's truth about homosexuality but did not, the pain I caused so many when I faked a suicide attempt in high school, the life long damage I've done to my kids because they have been living with a crazy depressed mother for 4 years, and on and on and on.

Then there is the rational brain berating me for being crazy: "She's right, just buck up and get over and don't make such a fuss!" "You are not special. God can forgive anyone so he can forgive you." "Do you have any idea how badly you have screwed over your boss?" "How much is this mess going to cost your parents?" And on and on and on.

Then there are the random flashes of life where I should have caught my mental illness before I was this far over the edge: Trembling and crying while my sister swaddled baby Guerren because there was cat hair on the blanket. My Mama trudging through my overgrown backyard to knock on my bedroom door because she new I had PPD and I was not answering the front door. Driving down Highway 99 and thinking I could just blow into the pylons.

Then, as always lately, the ideas that are better than this hospitalization: Driving off a cliff in the snowy Sierras where, even if I don't die in the crash, I'll freeze to death which wouldn't be so bad. Freezing to death you just fall asleep. Grabbing some cash out of an ATM getting on a bus and heading anywhere where I can't screw up my loved ones' lives anymore. Walking up Alpine and standing by the train tracks and just stepping out in front of it as it passes. Stabbing myself over and over until I am bleeding enough to exsanguinate. Just swallowing the whole bottle of Vicodin (though I admit that one scares me because it is so likely to leave me a vegetable instead of killing me).

These thoughts are always accompanied by thoughts of the various people who are going to take away my children.

Some of you may be thinking, "Aren't you Christian? Where's the prayer you idiot? Quit whining!" Well, all of these thoughts I have listed, which are just the tip of the ice berg because I have been laying in bed for HOURS, are occurring while I am praying. Tonight I have said numerous Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Divine Mercy Chaplets, Hail Holy Queens, Glory Bes and other random "conversational" prayers. These prayers are why, mixed in every once in awhile was a thought like, "St. Peter just up and abandoned his whole family to follow Jesus. I wonder if his in laws thought he was a jerk. Maybe I should walk away to start preaching on street corners. Then I wouldn't be hurting my family and I could be spreading the Good News."

It has been a long weird night. I hope the choice having been made and the action taken will allow me to sleep tonight.

God Bless all who read this.