Continued

The day after the attempt was an interesting day. I gave my confession and received communion, which was a blessing. They had me on 1:1 which meant I had a staff member with me at all times. Even in the bathroom. They also gave me a new medicine to try t do away with the thoughts. That drug put me out. I woke up when my Mama came for a visit. Seeing her was nice but it left me sad. That night the thoughts were terrible. I couldn't sleep and all I could think of was how this mess for my family would be over if I was gone. Even with the staff member in my room watching over me I was able to fashion a garrote from a sock and a toothbrush. I was in bed this time so I could just tighten it and fall asleep. Apparently my breathing sounded strange so my babysitter discovered the garrote. I was put in a room by myself and put on arms reach where my babysitter had to be, well, within arms reach at all times. All my possessions except my books were taken away.

This attempt was a turning point for me. Before this I really didn't feel like a belonged in the hospital. Realizing how close I had come to actually killing myself hit me hard. It was sort of hitting rock bottom for me. The days following that were a slow start uphill. I was released four days after the second attempt when my 7-14 day legal hold was lifted. I was scared to come home but could not wait to see my kids.

Homecoming was lovely. My kids were so happy and snuggly. It felt otherworldly. Sleeping in a real bed was great. It became very apparent very quickly how barely started my journey up the hill to wellness is. Today I have hurt myself and by last night I already had a new plan. I would have succeeded in killing myself today had I my door not jammed in my car. That scares the pee out of part me and just violently irritates the other part of me. My Mama asked me if I will be safe for tonight. I don't know. I just don't know.

God Bless all who read this.