Mostly better

Today was mostly better. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to get done, but I did get some stuff done and I am not in the state I was in last night. That alone is enough to make this a good day. Last night I didn't think I was going to make it to Friday. Now I feel like I can. Tomorrow I see my priest which I think will really bring a lot of peace. Going to confession always brings me a sense of peace. I think getting to spend some time in prayer with Father Matthew and making my confession and receiving the blessing or anointing will fortify me a great deal.

An aspect of this depression I have avoided talking about because I find it so shameful is my relationship with God. For a long time I have felt unforgivable. I know that is an insult to God on several levels, which just reinforces the feeling. I am a proud Catholic. I know and love my Lord. I know his infinite grace and love and forgiveness. I know there is nothing I can do that is too great for him to love me and forgive me and I know there is nothing I can do that has not been done by others before me. This being true, my belief in my unlovable-ness is violently egotistical, which, again, reinforces my belief. And even as I type this I know in my rational mind that it sound stupid and ridiculous. But there you have it.

One big factor is that I know I have led people away from God. When I left the Church in my college years, and even before then when I was just vocally speaking against some of her teachings, I didn't just hurt myself. People depended on me for right information about God and salvation and I lead them wrong. I started a trend at my high school that has only gotten more and more prevalent leading kids to heresy and sin and away from the Truth.

Another big factor is the fact that I do not go to mass every week. Sometimes I try, sometimes I don't even do that. The thought of going to mass literally liquefies my bowels (sorry TMI). When I do make it to mass I am either in serious physical pain or I am drugged out on pain medicine. Mass is not the only public event I avoid. I try to avoid large groups of people as much as I can. I get very agitated and sweaty. But none of that really matters. Jesus said do this in memory of me and I don't.

So tomorrow will be wrenching and cleansing and hopefully will leave me steady and ready to do what I need to do when I get to the hospital.

God Bless all who read this.