Courageous?

So I had my appointments today. My PCP adjusted my meds and extended my leave. The hospital thinks I need at minimum partial hospitalization (which would basically mean I would eat dinner and sleep at home) but full inpatient would be better. I spent most of those appointments convincing people that I would not hurt myself between today and Friday. I promised all parties that I would not do anything and would show up Friday morning. Keeping that promise is proving difficult this evening.

Then I went to my shrink and he said I was courageous. Courageous? I think that is the fruitiest thing he has said so far. He said I was courageous but then he was afraid to delve any too deeply for fear of setting off the suicidal thoughts. Little does he know that I spend my days googling methods that could appear to be accidental and pulling my hair out. I find myself hoping that the ache in my skull means that the damage I did to it last week has caused a slow bleed that will eventually kill me. I wasn't trying to kill myself when I hit my head but it would be ironic if death worked out to be an unintended side effect. Then it will have done its job of calming me in the moment and then gone above and beyond its duty.

My son was playing car pirates tonight and he sang, "what do you do with a scurvy pirate?" He then said in his sweet big guy voice, "I would kill my mommy." Seems like a sign, don't you think?

God Bless all who read this.