I shouldn't post this here

but it is the middle of the night and I have no one to talk to without ruining someone else's day.

I was having a pretty good day today. I was then having trouble sleeping, as always of late, and I got up. As is my habit lately, I can think of little other than suicide. After doing some online reading I decided to try something. I decided to write my goodbye note to my loved ones. I thought it would make suicide seem as ridiculous as my rational mind knows it should be. But the fact is that everyone I know would be better with me gone. My kids would be raised by better people than I. My husband could find a wife he could be proud of. My family would be out of the financial nightmare I buried them in. My parents could enjoy their retirement without having to worry what embarrassment I am going to heap on them next. My siblings would not longer have to explain to their children why Aunt Carie is such a pathetic mess.

Why am I putting everyone through the time and trouble of putting me in a hospital and drugging me up just to put me back into the world as a burden to everyone?

I've been afraid of crashing my car ever since it was pointed out to me that I could hurt someone else. I was thinking tonight, though, that there is a turn on the way to my family campground that could solve that problem. It is the scariest road I ever have to drive on. But there is a reasonable straight away just before the sharp blind curve to the left and there is no guard rail. If I accelerate and just don't make the turn I would fly right off the cliff and there is nothing below but the side of the mountain. Highway four goes way of to the left before it turns back so there would be no other cars or drivers in my path. If I turn off the airbags and don't wear a seat belt there is no way I would survive. I might even have a heart attack when I am airborne or in free fall.

None of this, of course, is an actual serious plan. My plan is to enter inpatient care on Friday. This post is just a speculation because so much of what is posted online claims that a car accident cannot be planned to not hurt other people.