I am out of inpatient. They released me from inpatient yesterday and I will start Partial Inpatient on Monday. I will spend 6 hours a day at the hospital in intensive individual therapy and group class on a program called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I hope it is enough. As of right now I have a new plan and the thoughts are persistent if I am not strongly distracted.
So here is a rundown of how the stay went:
The stay started with stress because I got there and they hadn't even called my insurance company yet. So I waited in the lobby for a couple of hours, alone and crying, afraid they wouldn't approve my stay. Finally they did. I then sat in the lobby for a nother couple hours waiting for them to find me a bed. I was supposed to be on the Behavioral Unit (CBU) but there were not beds there so I was put on the Intensive Therapy Unit (ITU) with the psychotic and violent patients. It was terrifying and lonely and made me feel even crazier. I did a great deal of crying that first night. Blessedly a dear friend came to visit that night and gave me a break from feeling alone and scared. Nighttime was bad as i try to lay between a bipolar woman berating me for snoring while talking incessantly and a psychotic woman randomly complaining about being from another planet and the doctors attempting to poison her. While in the rest room the dark thoughts over came me and I slammed my head into a wall which calmed me some and I went to sleep. The next day I was very lost and uncomfortable. We had a violent guy on the floor which disrupted most of the schedule. The thoughts were always there in the lulls and quiet time. They overcame me several times that day. That evening the staff caught me in action, fed me an Ambien and put me to bed. The third day was horrible. The violent guy had to be corralled by staff more than once in order to be given medication so his endless stream of violent obscenities would stop. I had by then made a couple of friends and my husband came to see me but I was getting no real help and the families were all so sad and stressed. As I was sitting reading the Bible and praying that night the thoughts were the strongest they had ever been. I tried to kill myself. I fashioned a garrote out of a kerchief and high lighter. When I had tightened it enough, I went to climb into my bed about 2 feet away. My foot caught on the chair in which I was sitting and I fell. The staff, and one of my roommates, rushed in and took away my tools. Once again I was given an Ambien and put to bed. During the night my belongings were sorted and many things were taken away.
More tomorrow....
God Bless All who read this.
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