My poor baby

My oldest has the saddest eyes. He has pink eye and the antibiotic drops did not work. Now he has to have this thick nasty ointment in his eyes. He is such a trooper about it. I am so proud of him. He did so well in Kindergarten and he is growing up all the time. Sometimes I forget he is only five and expect too much of him. He has such a tough job being the oldest. We have to make all our mistakes on him. I hope we don't screw him up too badly. He is such a sweet, generous, loving little boy. He wants a new baby.

I want a new baby too. But I can't have a new baby because I am disgusting fat pig and I cannot seem to stick to a diet long enough to lose the weight I need to lose to get my gastric bypass surgery. Am I scared of the surgery? Do I want to die? I do not understand why I can't do it. Sometimes I conscoisuly make decisions to eat things I shouldn't. Other times I don't realize until a meal is over that I just at twice as much as I really needed. How pathetic is that?

I don't want to think about this. I want to go to bed.

Goodnight.