Not doing so hot

If anyone read all the way through the previous vent, bless your heart.

Paranoia is a big facet of my depression.I have to daily convince myself that no one is trying to take away my children. I thought I was actually doing pretty well managing that aspect of the depression. Having someone I considered a good, reasonably close friend turn on me so cruelly brought that paranoia right to the surface. It was like poison and I HAD to get that poison out of my system.

Another enormous part of my depression is guilt. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to get over. My shrink is telling me to catch my negative thoughts and stop them by repeating to myself, "It's not fixed but it's not futile," which is a a phrase he pulled out of some things I said to him. What he doesn't seem to understand is the whole time he is telling me that I should stop the thoughts and then i will make progress all I can think is that I'm not worth the effort. If I just let myself sink into the depression and die, my husband would get my life insurance, which would solve financial issues, my parents would help him raise my kids, which would be better for them than me raising them. And no one else, including me, would ever have lay eyes or ears on the giant pathetic mess that is me.

So the last couple days I have been in physical pain and mental pain and they have been 4's that could be called 3's without great exaggeration.

I am praying for a 5 tomorrow. Pray with me if you've got a prayer to spare.

God Bless anyone who reads this.