Sad and Lonely

Today I drove on the freeway for the first time in two months. I don;t know how I ever got comfortable with doing that. It is hundreds of people, not all intelligent, driving huge machines that can kill people at high rates of speed controlled by nothing more than PAINT in the ground. It was very stressful but I made it.

Then I had an appointment with my therapist. I have decided to stay with the therapist I am seeing even though he can only see me once a week. I am comfortable with him and I trust him. Hopefully once a week will be often enough. Today was rough. We went over the whole mess that was my 15th year. Most than half my life ago. I was certain I was over all the crap that happened back then. I was a teenager. Who gives a crap what happened back then? Everyone's high school life sucked, right? Did I have it worse than others? Maybe, but, again, who cares?

I have never been one who believed in blaming adult problems on childhood troubles. It goes so against the Catholic and American ideal of personal responsibility. My therapist today said he "[felt] so sad" that I went through the things I was telling him about. The whole appointment hit a nerve but I'm not sure what kind. I am left feeling lost and sad and a little raw.

On top of that I am feeling lonely because today was a day of celebration and I could not thank a hero directly as I intended. But that is my egotism, wanting to celebrate the safety of a man for whom I and my family have prayed every night for a year. It hurts because it is indicative of the family I feel I have lost.

I am, I have found, fundamentally unlovable. I don't know what to do with that.

God Bless all who read this.

Not doing so hot

If anyone read all the way through the previous vent, bless your heart.

Paranoia is a big facet of my depression.I have to daily convince myself that no one is trying to take away my children. I thought I was actually doing pretty well managing that aspect of the depression. Having someone I considered a good, reasonably close friend turn on me so cruelly brought that paranoia right to the surface. It was like poison and I HAD to get that poison out of my system.

Another enormous part of my depression is guilt. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to get over. My shrink is telling me to catch my negative thoughts and stop them by repeating to myself, "It's not fixed but it's not futile," which is a a phrase he pulled out of some things I said to him. What he doesn't seem to understand is the whole time he is telling me that I should stop the thoughts and then i will make progress all I can think is that I'm not worth the effort. If I just let myself sink into the depression and die, my husband would get my life insurance, which would solve financial issues, my parents would help him raise my kids, which would be better for them than me raising them. And no one else, including me, would ever have lay eyes or ears on the giant pathetic mess that is me.

So the last couple days I have been in physical pain and mental pain and they have been 4's that could be called 3's without great exaggeration.

I am praying for a 5 tomorrow. Pray with me if you've got a prayer to spare.

God Bless anyone who reads this.

Post off as therapy

So yesterday we had a post off on my board on iVillage. I had a great time. I had never been in a post off before. I posted 400 times yesterday. It was exhausting. But I SO needed it. You see I have had a very big thing on my mind lately.

Last October DH and I went on a World Wide Marriage Encounter weekend. During the sharing he informed my that when Susannah was born and I could not see if she had been born or if I had passed more blood clots and so I asked him to look and tell me, he saw that she had been born and did not tell me. More, he saw her mouth move. I almost threw up when I heard this. My biggest recurring nightmare is that Susannah lay on the table dying after she was born. From that big push to when a doctor finally came into our room in the ER was over 40 minutes. I have many times dreamt that she lay there gasping for breath with no one holding her and loving her as she died. I called my mom that night and told her the story and she assured me that Susannah's muscles were just snapping back into place after having been squeezed during delivery. I accepted that explanation as my mother is a nurse.

Well my kids got into a box (we're moving) and pulled out Susannah's hospital records. I had avoided pulling them out since October as I did not want to be angry with my DH. But I looked when I put them back the other. You see we had an ultrasound just after my water broke and just before Susannah was born. The radiology report says she was deformed (her hand was caught up under her chin) and that she was entering the birth canal. It repeatedly says 'fetal demise', once with the word "assumed" preceding it. Not once does it say that she had no heartbeat. I would think that would be vital information unless of course her heart was still beating at the time of the ultrasound.

While I know she wasn't gasping for breath since she was getting oxygen through the umbilical cord, it kills me to think she may have been lying there dying on the table among the wreckage of her placenta when I could have cradled her as she passed.

I am so sick and angry. What kind of man sees that his daughter has been born, lies to his heavily drugged wife saying that he cannot tell if she has been born or not, leaves that daughter lying in a nightmare on the table and does not even go in the hall and get a doctor or nurse? What kind of man does that? What if I could have picked her up and met her for even just a few moments and held her as she went to be with Jesus?

Before these revelations I had felt that she actually died on 5/28 and then was not born until 6/1. I want so desperately to get back to believing that.

I am so sick and angry and sad.