Well, today was not the resounding success I was hoping for to carry me up to a 6. I will give it a five because I didn't cry as much as normal but I am very disappointed in myself.
This morning my boys had a winter reception at their school. We were to sign contracts and mingle and watch the Chinese Acrobats perform. I was really looking forward to the acrobats. But I was dreading the mingling and talking to his teacher and just generally acting like I am a happy, normal, balanced mother. The thought of it made me feel sick. But I got up and got dressed and ate breakfast. And then a I fully copped out.
My 3 y/o was not eating and so I told her if she didn't eat her protein, in this case bacon, she wouldn't get to go see the acrobats. I knew full well she wouldn't eat it. When she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't eat. And sure enough, she didn't it. And I got to stay home and send my boys to the reception with their Daddy.
I feel like the world's worst mother. This is a big event in the year and I copped out because it made me uncomfortable. How much of their lives have I missed because of this stupid depression? I barely remember my middle boy's second year and it seems I have missed all the growing they have done the last few years.
My kids are so sweet. Yet I find myself having no patience for them. Which in turn makes me feel worse which makes me have even less patience. Bah.
So, today was barely a 5. Maybe I am wrong but right now I expect tomorrow to be a 4.
God Bless all who read this.
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