Vent

I am angry. Hurt and angry.

I have a friend who has hardships I cannot imagine bearing. I have always thought she was a smart, funny courageous lady. She mentioned not having a lot of Christmas ornaments. Christmas is my favorite time of year. it is why I met my husband and how we got to know each other. My wedding colors were green and red. In JULY. I used to listen to Christmas music starting in July. I know hold off until at least October. One of my most cherished possessions is a brass angel ornament from my first Christmas. Each of my babies has personalized ornaments, including my heavenly babies. So, when I heard this, that she had not a lot of ornaments, I got an idea. Now I know she does not want her Christmas focused on Santa and commercialism so i made sure the ornaments I chose were religious in nature.

This, to me, is not a big deal. I enjoy giving Christmas gifts, especially meaningful ones. If I could make she and her family smile....awesome. She's not the only random person I have given things to in my life or even this Christmas. Apparently, I was wrong.

You see, apparently I am a public attention whore. Apparently I am desperately needy and seeking her approval as well as the approval of my other online friends. Apparently in her opinion I need to seek help off line and not seek the approval "of men."

Funny, I could have sworn that I am in the middle of a severe bout of depression to the point I can't even work and spend a great deal of time considering suicide. I also could have sworn that, even though I have qualms with the entire profession, I am going to a psychologist and having my meds adjusted. After months, no years, of just letting the depression grow and deepen I am finally doing what I need to do to get well before I am so far gone that I actually hurt myself.

Now, I am sure she would say that those things are all good steps but her issue is that i have chosen to both document my experiences here and ask for prayers from my online friends. I will admit that I am more open with my my online friends than most of my IRL friends. But aren't we all? Is it not easier to have online friends know you are so crazy you can't support your family than it is to talk to people you have to look in the eye? It's not like I am only sharing online and not doing what I need to do in my real life. Online is a haven where I can talk about thing about which I feel so alone only to receive message after message from people who have been where I am and made it through.

What it comes down to for me is this: she has taken advantage of this online medium for communication by acting in a way she never would "in real life." Where I and most people I know follow our standard rules of decency accountability when we are online, she knows she does not have to look me in the eye and see the pain so she can cause the pain with no consequences. I know she is a decent, intelligent, caring, if not kind, person so I know she would never say to some one's face that they are too screwed up to deal with anymore. Sure she didn't say those exact words, there was a lot of rambling about "speaking truth in love" and supporting me "just not so visibly," but when it is all added up it is the same thing.

And she is smart enough to know that she has left me with no recourse whatsoever. If I say anything about her hurtful actions publicly, I am proving her theory of me being a needy public attention whore correct. If I say nothing publicly, I prove her right just the same because, obviously, I am remaining silent so as to gain her approval and the approval of any of our mutual friends with whom she may have discussed my pathetic-ness. So she has set up a tautology. Kind of like Global Climate Change and Evolution. My life is too hard for her to deal with so she has taken the easy way out.

And you know what makes me the most irritated? Now I'm fricking worried about her. She has been a good friend. I'm not in the habit of being close to people who aren't. For her to be so flagrantly cruel at this, the hardest time I have ever experienced, makes me think something else is up with her.

So I am angry and hurt, quite justifiably, and I have to worry about her on top of it.

Okay, enough whining. Apparently I do far too much of it. I'll do a real post that gets back to the depression later.

God Bless all who read this.