Just 2 points

So here I am, back again. I was planning on giving you the back story to my current depressed state. But today something happened about which I am not sure how I feel.

This morning was fun. We celebrated St. Nicholas' Day by opening our Christmas pajamas. DH made an awesome breakfast but things went downhill from there. The kids were hyped up on sugar and driving me nuts. Then I had my appointment with my psychologist (aka shrink) in the early afternoon. That is where the troublesome event happened. The shrink had me take this depression inventory test. I expected to test low and find out that he should not have taken me off work and that this is all a waste of time. At the same time I was worried that exactly that would happen.

I scored two points shy of needing to go to the Behavioral Health Center and commit myself. And honestly, one of the questions was about losing one's appetite. Since I eat when I am depressed the questions was the antithesis of me. If one had been written for those who eat excessively when depressed I would have had three more points let alone the two that separated me from the "need to commit yourself" score.

That scares me. I am still largely in denial that I am really that bad off, at least in my good moments. When the suicidal thoughts overwhelm me I know I need help very badly. But on days like today where I am just sort of blah and not hysterical I really feel like I am just overreacting to the bad times. This test makes me rethink that. I was absolutely honest in answering those questions.

I don't know how I feel about this. He wants me to do a dry run at the local Behavioral Health Center. Just to see where I would go if I had an emergency. My gut reaction is no way, no thank you. But this test makes me think I need to bite the bullet and just go. He asked too if I thought I could call 911 if I was in a psychiatric emergency and couldn't get in touch with my support people. I know the answer to that is no way. I'm not sure what that says about me.

I wish I could just feel better and get over this. I'm tired of being handled.

The shrink wants me to predict how the next day will go on a scale of 1 to 10.

Prediction for tomorrow: 4

We shall see.

God Bless all who read this.