The last few days have been interesting and busy. I have started my partial inpatient program. It is going pretty well. I share more than I thought I would. Mostly the sharing is helpful but today was disastrous. More about that later. On Tuesday we signed the boys up for traditional public school and then they started on Wednesday. They both love it. Getting them up and ready in the morning has been stressful but not as bad as I had expected. The kids have all been sick but Lily is the last one hanging onto it. I have managed to avoid it all together, thank God. My doc upped my seroquel which is very obviously helping with the suicidal/self-damaging thoughts and impulses. Tonight I start an additional anti-depressant called Wellbutrin. It is supposed to boost my dopamine which is not being boosted by the Effexor.
Probably the most interesting thing that has happened is that my sister called an Exorcist. it turns out that the priest who married my husband and I is one of only two priests in my diocese who performs deliverances and exorcisms. I, of course, will not have an exorcism but a deliverance. I am not clear on the distinctions and differences in the ceremonies but I do know that deliverance is for an oppression where exorcism is for a full possession. So that will happen on Sunday. If you are the praying type, feel free to join the service from afar around 2pm PST.
Back to today being horrible. It started yesterday. I am in a great deal of pain. I think the pain has a hormonal/menstrual source, though I am still not cycling. I think I am going to have to give in and make a GYN appointment :-( I don't want to know. I don't want to know that I am carrying an organized clot (which I think I am) and, more, I don't want to find out I cannot have any more children (which I think is likely as my system has been screwed up for years now). Today in one group the leader and a member started spouting off about how selfish suicide is and how she'll never forgive her brother for doing it and on and on. I actually got up and walked out. Not my most mature moment but I could not handle it anymore at that moment. They were going on and on about how life isn't that bad and how it makes other people hurt just to alleviate your own pain. Well, kiss my ass, pardon my French. I do not want to die because I am in pain. I want to die because it would make my loved ones' lives better. And while some people never get over suicide, my family is Catholic and our faith teaches us that suffering can be offered up and unify us with Christ on the cross. "Don't waste your suffering!" as John Paul the Great said. So then after doing myself a little damage I sat in the sunshine and just breathed. I was proud of myself for not running into the street, which was my primary impulse. When I had collected myself I went back in only to be sidetracked by my psychologist account manager. We talked for a long time, which was cathartic and helpful. She helped reframe some of the "fruitier" aspects of the DBT program they are teaching me. Then we ended the day with a "mindfulness exercise" involving Pop Rocks. I giggled like a little kid. I felt more myself in that moment than I have in a very long time. I decided to pick up some Pop Rocks on my way home but none of the stores I checked sold them. You would not believe how much that depressed me. I just crawled in bed when I got home. I wish I was there now in all honesty.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
God Bless all who read this.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Continued
The day after the attempt was an interesting day. I gave my confession and received communion, which was a blessing. They had me on 1:1 which meant I had a staff member with me at all times. Even in the bathroom. They also gave me a new medicine to try t do away with the thoughts. That drug put me out. I woke up when my Mama came for a visit. Seeing her was nice but it left me sad. That night the thoughts were terrible. I couldn't sleep and all I could think of was how this mess for my family would be over if I was gone. Even with the staff member in my room watching over me I was able to fashion a garrote from a sock and a toothbrush. I was in bed this time so I could just tighten it and fall asleep. Apparently my breathing sounded strange so my babysitter discovered the garrote. I was put in a room by myself and put on arms reach where my babysitter had to be, well, within arms reach at all times. All my possessions except my books were taken away.
This attempt was a turning point for me. Before this I really didn't feel like a belonged in the hospital. Realizing how close I had come to actually killing myself hit me hard. It was sort of hitting rock bottom for me. The days following that were a slow start uphill. I was released four days after the second attempt when my 7-14 day legal hold was lifted. I was scared to come home but could not wait to see my kids.
Homecoming was lovely. My kids were so happy and snuggly. It felt otherworldly. Sleeping in a real bed was great. It became very apparent very quickly how barely started my journey up the hill to wellness is. Today I have hurt myself and by last night I already had a new plan. I would have succeeded in killing myself today had I my door not jammed in my car. That scares the pee out of part me and just violently irritates the other part of me. My Mama asked me if I will be safe for tonight. I don't know. I just don't know.
God Bless all who read this.
This attempt was a turning point for me. Before this I really didn't feel like a belonged in the hospital. Realizing how close I had come to actually killing myself hit me hard. It was sort of hitting rock bottom for me. The days following that were a slow start uphill. I was released four days after the second attempt when my 7-14 day legal hold was lifted. I was scared to come home but could not wait to see my kids.
Homecoming was lovely. My kids were so happy and snuggly. It felt otherworldly. Sleeping in a real bed was great. It became very apparent very quickly how barely started my journey up the hill to wellness is. Today I have hurt myself and by last night I already had a new plan. I would have succeeded in killing myself today had I my door not jammed in my car. That scares the pee out of part me and just violently irritates the other part of me. My Mama asked me if I will be safe for tonight. I don't know. I just don't know.
God Bless all who read this.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I'm out
I am out of inpatient. They released me from inpatient yesterday and I will start Partial Inpatient on Monday. I will spend 6 hours a day at the hospital in intensive individual therapy and group class on a program called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I hope it is enough. As of right now I have a new plan and the thoughts are persistent if I am not strongly distracted.
So here is a rundown of how the stay went:
The stay started with stress because I got there and they hadn't even called my insurance company yet. So I waited in the lobby for a couple of hours, alone and crying, afraid they wouldn't approve my stay. Finally they did. I then sat in the lobby for a nother couple hours waiting for them to find me a bed. I was supposed to be on the Behavioral Unit (CBU) but there were not beds there so I was put on the Intensive Therapy Unit (ITU) with the psychotic and violent patients. It was terrifying and lonely and made me feel even crazier. I did a great deal of crying that first night. Blessedly a dear friend came to visit that night and gave me a break from feeling alone and scared. Nighttime was bad as i try to lay between a bipolar woman berating me for snoring while talking incessantly and a psychotic woman randomly complaining about being from another planet and the doctors attempting to poison her. While in the rest room the dark thoughts over came me and I slammed my head into a wall which calmed me some and I went to sleep. The next day I was very lost and uncomfortable. We had a violent guy on the floor which disrupted most of the schedule. The thoughts were always there in the lulls and quiet time. They overcame me several times that day. That evening the staff caught me in action, fed me an Ambien and put me to bed. The third day was horrible. The violent guy had to be corralled by staff more than once in order to be given medication so his endless stream of violent obscenities would stop. I had by then made a couple of friends and my husband came to see me but I was getting no real help and the families were all so sad and stressed. As I was sitting reading the Bible and praying that night the thoughts were the strongest they had ever been. I tried to kill myself. I fashioned a garrote out of a kerchief and high lighter. When I had tightened it enough, I went to climb into my bed about 2 feet away. My foot caught on the chair in which I was sitting and I fell. The staff, and one of my roommates, rushed in and took away my tools. Once again I was given an Ambien and put to bed. During the night my belongings were sorted and many things were taken away.
More tomorrow....
God Bless All who read this.
So here is a rundown of how the stay went:
The stay started with stress because I got there and they hadn't even called my insurance company yet. So I waited in the lobby for a couple of hours, alone and crying, afraid they wouldn't approve my stay. Finally they did. I then sat in the lobby for a nother couple hours waiting for them to find me a bed. I was supposed to be on the Behavioral Unit (CBU) but there were not beds there so I was put on the Intensive Therapy Unit (ITU) with the psychotic and violent patients. It was terrifying and lonely and made me feel even crazier. I did a great deal of crying that first night. Blessedly a dear friend came to visit that night and gave me a break from feeling alone and scared. Nighttime was bad as i try to lay between a bipolar woman berating me for snoring while talking incessantly and a psychotic woman randomly complaining about being from another planet and the doctors attempting to poison her. While in the rest room the dark thoughts over came me and I slammed my head into a wall which calmed me some and I went to sleep. The next day I was very lost and uncomfortable. We had a violent guy on the floor which disrupted most of the schedule. The thoughts were always there in the lulls and quiet time. They overcame me several times that day. That evening the staff caught me in action, fed me an Ambien and put me to bed. The third day was horrible. The violent guy had to be corralled by staff more than once in order to be given medication so his endless stream of violent obscenities would stop. I had by then made a couple of friends and my husband came to see me but I was getting no real help and the families were all so sad and stressed. As I was sitting reading the Bible and praying that night the thoughts were the strongest they had ever been. I tried to kill myself. I fashioned a garrote out of a kerchief and high lighter. When I had tightened it enough, I went to climb into my bed about 2 feet away. My foot caught on the chair in which I was sitting and I fell. The staff, and one of my roommates, rushed in and took away my tools. Once again I was given an Ambien and put to bed. During the night my belongings were sorted and many things were taken away.
More tomorrow....
God Bless All who read this.
Friday, January 7, 2011
One more
I thought that last post would be my last before going inpatient but since I have not been able to get even a moment of sleep tonight (it is 5:16 am my time right now) I guess I will post here again as I have nothing else to do and can only play so many rounds of solitaire before I lose my mind. Oh wait, I already lost my mind. Until I...beat myself senseless. No wait, I've done that too. Ummmmmmm....moving on.
I am amazed at the number of things flying through my brain when I try to sleep tonight. First, as always, is the parade of guilt: Hitting my sister in the back when we were kids (she has back problems to this day, though she says they are from falling out of a hammock and RA), ruining my brother's surprise gift to me by guessing it (and the later event of ruining his gift giving excitement because I knew about ice cube lights), the untold number of people I led away from God when I thought I knew God's truth about homosexuality but did not, the pain I caused so many when I faked a suicide attempt in high school, the life long damage I've done to my kids because they have been living with a crazy depressed mother for 4 years, and on and on and on.
Then there is the rational brain berating me for being crazy: "She's right, just buck up and get over and don't make such a fuss!" "You are not special. God can forgive anyone so he can forgive you." "Do you have any idea how badly you have screwed over your boss?" "How much is this mess going to cost your parents?" And on and on and on.
Then there are the random flashes of life where I should have caught my mental illness before I was this far over the edge: Trembling and crying while my sister swaddled baby Guerren because there was cat hair on the blanket. My Mama trudging through my overgrown backyard to knock on my bedroom door because she new I had PPD and I was not answering the front door. Driving down Highway 99 and thinking I could just blow into the pylons.
Then, as always lately, the ideas that are better than this hospitalization: Driving off a cliff in the snowy Sierras where, even if I don't die in the crash, I'll freeze to death which wouldn't be so bad. Freezing to death you just fall asleep. Grabbing some cash out of an ATM getting on a bus and heading anywhere where I can't screw up my loved ones' lives anymore. Walking up Alpine and standing by the train tracks and just stepping out in front of it as it passes. Stabbing myself over and over until I am bleeding enough to exsanguinate. Just swallowing the whole bottle of Vicodin (though I admit that one scares me because it is so likely to leave me a vegetable instead of killing me).
These thoughts are always accompanied by thoughts of the various people who are going to take away my children.
Some of you may be thinking, "Aren't you Christian? Where's the prayer you idiot? Quit whining!" Well, all of these thoughts I have listed, which are just the tip of the ice berg because I have been laying in bed for HOURS, are occurring while I am praying. Tonight I have said numerous Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Divine Mercy Chaplets, Hail Holy Queens, Glory Bes and other random "conversational" prayers. These prayers are why, mixed in every once in awhile was a thought like, "St. Peter just up and abandoned his whole family to follow Jesus. I wonder if his in laws thought he was a jerk. Maybe I should walk away to start preaching on street corners. Then I wouldn't be hurting my family and I could be spreading the Good News."
It has been a long weird night. I hope the choice having been made and the action taken will allow me to sleep tonight.
God Bless all who read this.
I am amazed at the number of things flying through my brain when I try to sleep tonight. First, as always, is the parade of guilt: Hitting my sister in the back when we were kids (she has back problems to this day, though she says they are from falling out of a hammock and RA), ruining my brother's surprise gift to me by guessing it (and the later event of ruining his gift giving excitement because I knew about ice cube lights), the untold number of people I led away from God when I thought I knew God's truth about homosexuality but did not, the pain I caused so many when I faked a suicide attempt in high school, the life long damage I've done to my kids because they have been living with a crazy depressed mother for 4 years, and on and on and on.
Then there is the rational brain berating me for being crazy: "She's right, just buck up and get over and don't make such a fuss!" "You are not special. God can forgive anyone so he can forgive you." "Do you have any idea how badly you have screwed over your boss?" "How much is this mess going to cost your parents?" And on and on and on.
Then there are the random flashes of life where I should have caught my mental illness before I was this far over the edge: Trembling and crying while my sister swaddled baby Guerren because there was cat hair on the blanket. My Mama trudging through my overgrown backyard to knock on my bedroom door because she new I had PPD and I was not answering the front door. Driving down Highway 99 and thinking I could just blow into the pylons.
Then, as always lately, the ideas that are better than this hospitalization: Driving off a cliff in the snowy Sierras where, even if I don't die in the crash, I'll freeze to death which wouldn't be so bad. Freezing to death you just fall asleep. Grabbing some cash out of an ATM getting on a bus and heading anywhere where I can't screw up my loved ones' lives anymore. Walking up Alpine and standing by the train tracks and just stepping out in front of it as it passes. Stabbing myself over and over until I am bleeding enough to exsanguinate. Just swallowing the whole bottle of Vicodin (though I admit that one scares me because it is so likely to leave me a vegetable instead of killing me).
These thoughts are always accompanied by thoughts of the various people who are going to take away my children.
Some of you may be thinking, "Aren't you Christian? Where's the prayer you idiot? Quit whining!" Well, all of these thoughts I have listed, which are just the tip of the ice berg because I have been laying in bed for HOURS, are occurring while I am praying. Tonight I have said numerous Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Divine Mercy Chaplets, Hail Holy Queens, Glory Bes and other random "conversational" prayers. These prayers are why, mixed in every once in awhile was a thought like, "St. Peter just up and abandoned his whole family to follow Jesus. I wonder if his in laws thought he was a jerk. Maybe I should walk away to start preaching on street corners. Then I wouldn't be hurting my family and I could be spreading the Good News."
It has been a long weird night. I hope the choice having been made and the action taken will allow me to sleep tonight.
God Bless all who read this.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tomorrow is the day
Tomorrow morning I go into the hospital. I am dreading it and can't wait all at once.
Tonight has been rough with my folks home. My Mama wants to talk and that makes me want to drive an icepick in my ear and hug her all at once. My kids have decided that tonight is the night to disobey every direction and request. I have actually thought about just walking to the hospital tonight.
I know very few people read this blog and the ones who do probably know me and are praying already, but if not, please pray for me. I will only get through this if I can overcome my pride and lay fully on the arm of the Lord. For that I need grace so please, please pray for me.
God Bless all who read this.
Tonight has been rough with my folks home. My Mama wants to talk and that makes me want to drive an icepick in my ear and hug her all at once. My kids have decided that tonight is the night to disobey every direction and request. I have actually thought about just walking to the hospital tonight.
I know very few people read this blog and the ones who do probably know me and are praying already, but if not, please pray for me. I will only get through this if I can overcome my pride and lay fully on the arm of the Lord. For that I need grace so please, please pray for me.
God Bless all who read this.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
God is good
Today I had my meeting with my priest and gave my confession and was anointed. Even though I know it I am always amazed at the peace the sacraments bring with them. I thank God for loving me when I am feeling so unlovable.
What today did not do was wipe out the suicidal thoughts. My brain is still constantly turning with the plan and the hatred of myself. For now I am peaceful. God's grace is holding the thoughts in a sort of balance so they are not spinning out of control. It is sort of like my depression car is driving in town instead of screaming down the highway like it has been.
I feel hopeful that I will be able to accept and take in the help I will be given at the hospital.
God Bless all who read this.
What today did not do was wipe out the suicidal thoughts. My brain is still constantly turning with the plan and the hatred of myself. For now I am peaceful. God's grace is holding the thoughts in a sort of balance so they are not spinning out of control. It is sort of like my depression car is driving in town instead of screaming down the highway like it has been.
I feel hopeful that I will be able to accept and take in the help I will be given at the hospital.
God Bless all who read this.
I shouldn't post this here
but it is the middle of the night and I have no one to talk to without ruining someone else's day.
I was having a pretty good day today. I was then having trouble sleeping, as always of late, and I got up. As is my habit lately, I can think of little other than suicide. After doing some online reading I decided to try something. I decided to write my goodbye note to my loved ones. I thought it would make suicide seem as ridiculous as my rational mind knows it should be. But the fact is that everyone I know would be better with me gone. My kids would be raised by better people than I. My husband could find a wife he could be proud of. My family would be out of the financial nightmare I buried them in. My parents could enjoy their retirement without having to worry what embarrassment I am going to heap on them next. My siblings would not longer have to explain to their children why Aunt Carie is such a pathetic mess.
Why am I putting everyone through the time and trouble of putting me in a hospital and drugging me up just to put me back into the world as a burden to everyone?
I've been afraid of crashing my car ever since it was pointed out to me that I could hurt someone else. I was thinking tonight, though, that there is a turn on the way to my family campground that could solve that problem. It is the scariest road I ever have to drive on. But there is a reasonable straight away just before the sharp blind curve to the left and there is no guard rail. If I accelerate and just don't make the turn I would fly right off the cliff and there is nothing below but the side of the mountain. Highway four goes way of to the left before it turns back so there would be no other cars or drivers in my path. If I turn off the airbags and don't wear a seat belt there is no way I would survive. I might even have a heart attack when I am airborne or in free fall.
None of this, of course, is an actual serious plan. My plan is to enter inpatient care on Friday. This post is just a speculation because so much of what is posted online claims that a car accident cannot be planned to not hurt other people.
I was having a pretty good day today. I was then having trouble sleeping, as always of late, and I got up. As is my habit lately, I can think of little other than suicide. After doing some online reading I decided to try something. I decided to write my goodbye note to my loved ones. I thought it would make suicide seem as ridiculous as my rational mind knows it should be. But the fact is that everyone I know would be better with me gone. My kids would be raised by better people than I. My husband could find a wife he could be proud of. My family would be out of the financial nightmare I buried them in. My parents could enjoy their retirement without having to worry what embarrassment I am going to heap on them next. My siblings would not longer have to explain to their children why Aunt Carie is such a pathetic mess.
Why am I putting everyone through the time and trouble of putting me in a hospital and drugging me up just to put me back into the world as a burden to everyone?
I've been afraid of crashing my car ever since it was pointed out to me that I could hurt someone else. I was thinking tonight, though, that there is a turn on the way to my family campground that could solve that problem. It is the scariest road I ever have to drive on. But there is a reasonable straight away just before the sharp blind curve to the left and there is no guard rail. If I accelerate and just don't make the turn I would fly right off the cliff and there is nothing below but the side of the mountain. Highway four goes way of to the left before it turns back so there would be no other cars or drivers in my path. If I turn off the airbags and don't wear a seat belt there is no way I would survive. I might even have a heart attack when I am airborne or in free fall.
None of this, of course, is an actual serious plan. My plan is to enter inpatient care on Friday. This post is just a speculation because so much of what is posted online claims that a car accident cannot be planned to not hurt other people.
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