Better and Worse

First the better: I am still hurt but I am no longer angry or concerned. Two out of three ain't bad, as they say.

Something occurred to me as I sat in my car with a sleeping Lily, no boys and nothing to read this afternoon. My friend who hurt me so cruelly is me ten years ago. Let me explain. Ten years ago I met my best friend. Her husband has Bipolar disorder. His disorder led, over a 4 or so year period to him being put on permanent disability. In the early days of his troubles, my friend and I spent a great deal of time wondering why he could just pull himself together and get over it. Neither of us had ever experienced depression of his severity before. We had been through tough times and gone through the blues, but we had never been in the deep ugly areas of depression where we no longer wanted to live. We had never truly believed the world would be better of without us. In an attempt to get him to get over himself and function, she gave him ultimatums and they spent a great deal of time fighting and in upheaval. It took years of forcing her husband back to work only to have him fall apart and end up committed that she came to understand that he was not "giving in" to his depression, it was overwhelming him and even though he desperately wanted to function "normally," he could not with the level of stress that came with his job.

What this is all leading to is that my friend genuinely believes she is right and genuinely believes I am just wallowing and not doing what I need to do. It is easy for her to judge because she has never been where I am. Add to it the fact that she has a problem with fat people in general and you get the kind of treatment I have received from her. So, I am not angry anymore, nor am I worried about some unknown stressor in her world. She just is who she is. Who I am and what I am going through are impossible for her to understand and therefore easy for her to judge. We all do that.

Now the worse: the thoughts are back. They are not as persistent and oppressive as they were, but this is the first time they've been back in about a week so it is very disappointing and worrying. Hopefully it was just momentary, from the stress that preceded them. If they come back again I am going to have to consider inpatient treatment or intensive outpatient.

I realized earlier today that I never got around to giving a history of my depression. I will try to get to that soon. I think I will find it cathartic.

Today was a 4 at best. Tomorrow is Papa's birthday so I am hoping for a 5 or even a 6.

God Bless all who read this.

Not doing so hot

If anyone read all the way through the previous vent, bless your heart.

Paranoia is a big facet of my depression.I have to daily convince myself that no one is trying to take away my children. I thought I was actually doing pretty well managing that aspect of the depression. Having someone I considered a good, reasonably close friend turn on me so cruelly brought that paranoia right to the surface. It was like poison and I HAD to get that poison out of my system.

Another enormous part of my depression is guilt. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to get over. My shrink is telling me to catch my negative thoughts and stop them by repeating to myself, "It's not fixed but it's not futile," which is a a phrase he pulled out of some things I said to him. What he doesn't seem to understand is the whole time he is telling me that I should stop the thoughts and then i will make progress all I can think is that I'm not worth the effort. If I just let myself sink into the depression and die, my husband would get my life insurance, which would solve financial issues, my parents would help him raise my kids, which would be better for them than me raising them. And no one else, including me, would ever have lay eyes or ears on the giant pathetic mess that is me.

So the last couple days I have been in physical pain and mental pain and they have been 4's that could be called 3's without great exaggeration.

I am praying for a 5 tomorrow. Pray with me if you've got a prayer to spare.

God Bless anyone who reads this.

Vent

I am angry. Hurt and angry.

I have a friend who has hardships I cannot imagine bearing. I have always thought she was a smart, funny courageous lady. She mentioned not having a lot of Christmas ornaments. Christmas is my favorite time of year. it is why I met my husband and how we got to know each other. My wedding colors were green and red. In JULY. I used to listen to Christmas music starting in July. I know hold off until at least October. One of my most cherished possessions is a brass angel ornament from my first Christmas. Each of my babies has personalized ornaments, including my heavenly babies. So, when I heard this, that she had not a lot of ornaments, I got an idea. Now I know she does not want her Christmas focused on Santa and commercialism so i made sure the ornaments I chose were religious in nature.

This, to me, is not a big deal. I enjoy giving Christmas gifts, especially meaningful ones. If I could make she and her family smile....awesome. She's not the only random person I have given things to in my life or even this Christmas. Apparently, I was wrong.

You see, apparently I am a public attention whore. Apparently I am desperately needy and seeking her approval as well as the approval of my other online friends. Apparently in her opinion I need to seek help off line and not seek the approval "of men."

Funny, I could have sworn that I am in the middle of a severe bout of depression to the point I can't even work and spend a great deal of time considering suicide. I also could have sworn that, even though I have qualms with the entire profession, I am going to a psychologist and having my meds adjusted. After months, no years, of just letting the depression grow and deepen I am finally doing what I need to do to get well before I am so far gone that I actually hurt myself.

Now, I am sure she would say that those things are all good steps but her issue is that i have chosen to both document my experiences here and ask for prayers from my online friends. I will admit that I am more open with my my online friends than most of my IRL friends. But aren't we all? Is it not easier to have online friends know you are so crazy you can't support your family than it is to talk to people you have to look in the eye? It's not like I am only sharing online and not doing what I need to do in my real life. Online is a haven where I can talk about thing about which I feel so alone only to receive message after message from people who have been where I am and made it through.

What it comes down to for me is this: she has taken advantage of this online medium for communication by acting in a way she never would "in real life." Where I and most people I know follow our standard rules of decency accountability when we are online, she knows she does not have to look me in the eye and see the pain so she can cause the pain with no consequences. I know she is a decent, intelligent, caring, if not kind, person so I know she would never say to some one's face that they are too screwed up to deal with anymore. Sure she didn't say those exact words, there was a lot of rambling about "speaking truth in love" and supporting me "just not so visibly," but when it is all added up it is the same thing.

And she is smart enough to know that she has left me with no recourse whatsoever. If I say anything about her hurtful actions publicly, I am proving her theory of me being a needy public attention whore correct. If I say nothing publicly, I prove her right just the same because, obviously, I am remaining silent so as to gain her approval and the approval of any of our mutual friends with whom she may have discussed my pathetic-ness. So she has set up a tautology. Kind of like Global Climate Change and Evolution. My life is too hard for her to deal with so she has taken the easy way out.

And you know what makes me the most irritated? Now I'm fricking worried about her. She has been a good friend. I'm not in the habit of being close to people who aren't. For her to be so flagrantly cruel at this, the hardest time I have ever experienced, makes me think something else is up with her.

So I am angry and hurt, quite justifiably, and I have to worry about her on top of it.

Okay, enough whining. Apparently I do far too much of it. I'll do a real post that gets back to the depression later.

God Bless all who read this.

Another brief one

I'll give today a 5. I wasn't in the hole I was expecting.

I am going to hope for a 6 tomorrow. We have lots of big plans for fun things so hopefully tomorrow will be a really good day.

God Bless.

No 6 here

Well, today was not the resounding success I was hoping for to carry me up to a 6. I will give it a five because I didn't cry as much as normal but I am very disappointed in myself.

This morning my boys had a winter reception at their school. We were to sign contracts and mingle and watch the Chinese Acrobats perform. I was really looking forward to the acrobats. But I was dreading the mingling and talking to his teacher and just generally acting like I am a happy, normal, balanced mother. The thought of it made me feel sick. But I got up and got dressed and ate breakfast. And then a I fully copped out.

My 3 y/o was not eating and so I told her if she didn't eat her protein, in this case bacon, she wouldn't get to go see the acrobats. I knew full well she wouldn't eat it. When she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't eat. And sure enough, she didn't it. And I got to stay home and send my boys to the reception with their Daddy.

I feel like the world's worst mother. This is a big event in the year and I copped out because it made me uncomfortable. How much of their lives have I missed because of this stupid depression? I barely remember my middle boy's second year and it seems I have missed all the growing they have done the last few years.

My kids are so sweet. Yet I find myself having no patience for them. Which in turn makes me feel worse which makes me have even less patience. Bah.

So, today was barely a 5. Maybe I am wrong but right now I expect tomorrow to be a 4.

God Bless all who read this.

No post tonight

Today was the 5 I expected. I am going to hope for a 6 tomorrow.

God Bless all who read this.

5 out of 4

Well, today has been a bit bipolar. I wasn't. My day was. I was expecting today to be a blah low day thus the expectation that it would be a 4 out of 10. A slap fight and a broken foot saved it and bumped it up to a 5.

I woke up late so we didn't get to get the tree today like I planned which was a bummer. Not as much of a bummer as it should have been though. Luckily I woke up and found some lovely supportive emails in my inbox.

I am still extremely irritable. My poor kids, I try to hold my temper but they seem to think that because I am here they all three should be talking to at the same time at all times. Snapping ensued.

Then the big low hit. My boss called and needed me to do a bunch of stuff for her so she can have an accounting company do part of my job while I am off. She is still very short and business-like with me. It made me cry which just made her irritated. So that was a big ugly low. I feel so guilty for the trouble I am causing her. I am very afraid she is not going to enjoy the trip to New York she is taking this week because she is going to have to be in constant contact with the office. I am one of THOSE employees and it is driving me nuts.

And it is so my fault because I have been falling apart for more than a year. I new I was falling apart but instead of asking for help I just kept fighting trying to keep it together by myself. This is true both personally and professionally.

Then I had what I thought was going to be a low be a sort of mixed blessing. My Mama broke her foot. Because of her RA and her meds every major injury is a big concern. Praise the Lord she didn't need surgery. They reset it and booted it. She can walk with the boot but will be off for a month. She is not even in a great deal of pain since she is on pain meds always anyway. So now, while I am off work for a month, my Mama is off work for a month. That right there is a blessing.

So I thought the day would end at the four I expected. Then this evening it got salvaged by candy cane reindeer and a game of Pictionary. Both were the pleasure/nightmare combo that all projects with my three kids are. But the multiple high fives that morphed into a (play) slap fight is what bumped the day up a notch. All three of my kids giggling like crazy (no pun intended) is one of my favorite sounds in the world. Everyone keeps telling me, and I keep hanging desperately onto, the fact I adore my children. I'm going to try to replay that moment in my head when I start to get down tomorrow.

I am going to predict an optimistic 5 again for tomorrow.

God Bless all who read this.