Experiment

Even I can only cause myself so much pain in one sitting before it stops focusing my brain. So I am trying sort of the opposite. We are going to find out what alcohol does to me with all the psychotropics in my system. Don't worry, my kids are perfectly safe. I'm not getting drunk, I'm having one mixed drink. We've all had dinner and the kids are watching a movie. Hopefully it will fuzz my brain enough that I won't be sitting here researching drug toxicities anymore.

You know, I have several people I could call. They have all said I can call anytime when I am feeling this way. But I know what they will say. They will tell me to go get evaluated at the hospital. But I have been in the hospital 3 times. THREE times. I don't know why the meds keep wearing off. The part of me that wants to believe all this therapy and medication and work are worth it because I'm worth it is too embarrassed to admit I am in this hole. Again. Already. Most of me feels stupid for having spent all this time and trouble when everyone would be better off without me.

Well I am pretty warm now.

God Bless all you read this.

Happy and irritated

This is an odd combination. I am happy because my sister gave birth to beautiful baby girl last night. She is perfect, as are all my sister's babies with their chubby cheeks and heads full of hair. I hate that she is so far away and I cannot hold her. My sister sounds wonderful today after her surgery so all is well there.

I am irritated because I had planned to exsanguinate in the shower today but my husband let me sleep in and my kids got off school early so I did not get the chance to take a shower. So now I must make a new plan. Grrr...

I am trying to keep myself distracted with FB and games and kids' homework. I have found that piercing myself with a large safety pin both focuses my thinking (suicidal thoughts tend to be racing and confused) and gives me a bit of a high. I will utilize this trick to get through this evening. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and not want to make a new plan at all. I doubt it as it has been days but we shall see. I have the knife hidden and sharpened and I have tested it to make sure that it will be effective with minimal effort. It is just the timing that is difficult because I don't want my kids being the ones to find me.

My poor Guerren is already too much like me. I have already cursed him to a childhood of being taken advantage of. Once his classmates actually see me he will have a whole new world of taunting to deal with. I should have just killed myself that first day back in November. My kids would be being homeschooled my my sister in Missouri if I had. My selfishness and gutlessness are visibly hurting my children. I should have just left my wound unattended after Lily was born. It would have gotten infected, my family would have gotten my life insurance money, my family would be out of debt and my kids would have been raised by better than I since then.

God, you hold my sweet angel babies close to you. Please hold my sweet living babies close to you too. It is not their fault they were born to such as I and You can bring good even from the failure which has been their lives thus far. I commit them, again, to your care, Dear Lord. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. I am sorry for all the times I have turned from Your right path and foiled Your perfect plans. Amen.

God Bless all who read this.

Again?

Today has been a rough day. My psych program is refusing me a simple concession that they allow for other people. Earlier I was livid and upset. Now I just don't care. It is just more evidence that my reasons for wanting to commit suicide are valid. Even my psych program and the psych hospital don't think my life is worth anything. I wrote goodbye notes to my kids during class. The ladies at group wanted to walk me over to the hospital but I refused. I don't want to go inpatient again. Will I hurt myself tonight? Yes. Will I KILL myself tonight? Probably not. I am alone here with my kids. I think finding me dead is a scar they should not have to bear.

I know you people reading this are thinking, "Oh, finding you they shouldn't bear but you being dead they can handle fine? Hello!?" You have to remember two things: 1) I will be burden to them all their lives if I am alive and 2) we are Catholic and they will be surrounded by people who love them who will help them understand that sadness, while difficult, is not a bad thing and they will pray for my soul and move on with their lives being raised by one or both of the most wonderful women on the planet.

God Bless all who read this.

Sad and Lonely

Today I drove on the freeway for the first time in two months. I don;t know how I ever got comfortable with doing that. It is hundreds of people, not all intelligent, driving huge machines that can kill people at high rates of speed controlled by nothing more than PAINT in the ground. It was very stressful but I made it.

Then I had an appointment with my therapist. I have decided to stay with the therapist I am seeing even though he can only see me once a week. I am comfortable with him and I trust him. Hopefully once a week will be often enough. Today was rough. We went over the whole mess that was my 15th year. Most than half my life ago. I was certain I was over all the crap that happened back then. I was a teenager. Who gives a crap what happened back then? Everyone's high school life sucked, right? Did I have it worse than others? Maybe, but, again, who cares?

I have never been one who believed in blaming adult problems on childhood troubles. It goes so against the Catholic and American ideal of personal responsibility. My therapist today said he "[felt] so sad" that I went through the things I was telling him about. The whole appointment hit a nerve but I'm not sure what kind. I am left feeling lost and sad and a little raw.

On top of that I am feeling lonely because today was a day of celebration and I could not thank a hero directly as I intended. But that is my egotism, wanting to celebrate the safety of a man for whom I and my family have prayed every night for a year. It hurts because it is indicative of the family I feel I have lost.

I am, I have found, fundamentally unlovable. I don't know what to do with that.

God Bless all who read this.

Going home

Well, I have not been home more than overnight (and that only twice) since the day after Christmas. Today the kids and I are moving home. I am both excited and terrified. I think I am ready to be alone with the kids and stay along overnight. The thoughts are still there but I don't think I'll do anything. I have gotten pretty good at managing my "as needed" medications so my mood stays pretty even. If you can spare a prayer I would appreciate it.

God Bless all who read this.

Sick as a dog = good?

I am so sick. Big bad ugly hairy sinus infection. When I can speak I either sound like a man or Peter Brady. I desperately want to crawl in bed and sleep. Wanna know why this is good? Because being sick is the only reason I want to crawl in bed and go to sleep. I don't want to escape stress or my kids or just life in general. I am just sick.



This may sound weird to y'all but this is a big deal for me. I feel normal sick. The fact that normal is in the equation makes me smile.



My psychiatrist and case manager are keeping me in the partial hospitalization program for a couple more days because I had a couple of bad days earlier in the week. After that I will switch to the Intensive Outpatient Program which is 3 1/2 hours 3 times a week. I will also start going to my therapist again. I think we have my meds right. If my bouts with suicidal thoughts get any uglier than they have been this week I will have my anti-psychotic upped one more time. For now I am assuming it was the impending illness that magnified the thoughts and hoping they will settle down.



Thanks to my wonderful brother and sister-in-law, I am going on a Journey retreat next weekend. I get to spend 2 1/2 days and 2 nights immersing myself in scripture and my relationship with God. How awesome does that sound? I am so looking forward to it.



I had an interesting experience earlier this week. On my one really, really bad night, the devil got to me. Not via the dark thoughts, though they were there, but through a human weakness. I am not willing to disclose this particular weakness as I am wholly embarrassed by my behavior. However, in retrospect I can so see that he was working on me and, this time, won. Now this is not to say, "the devil made me do it!" I have free will and I chose to sin but I have never been so aware of the devil's direct influence as I was the other night. I am now very much on guard and am waiting to see how he will try to lead me astray next. It is strange to experience the devil so viscerally. I will be sure to let you know what becomes of all this.

God Bless all who read this.

Don't know how much I will be posting

I have come to a point in my treatment where I am working through some ugly guilt and anger that involve someone very close to me. I cannot afford for that person to know anything that I am thinking and it is all I want to write about right now so I am stuck. This blog has been such a great place for me to throw all my thoughts out and sort through them. I really wish I could use this as a device for dealing with this but I just can't chance it.

I don't really have much else to write about as that is the focus of things right now. I did discover today how manipulative I can be at work and how disgusting I find that. I hadn't been aware I was doing it. Now that I know I am ashamed of myself but I am focusing on the fact that I can now avoid it in the future because I am aware of it.

I'll be back when things are more settled.

God Bless all who read this.