Happy and irritated

This is an odd combination. I am happy because my sister gave birth to beautiful baby girl last night. She is perfect, as are all my sister's babies with their chubby cheeks and heads full of hair. I hate that she is so far away and I cannot hold her. My sister sounds wonderful today after her surgery so all is well there.

I am irritated because I had planned to exsanguinate in the shower today but my husband let me sleep in and my kids got off school early so I did not get the chance to take a shower. So now I must make a new plan. Grrr...

I am trying to keep myself distracted with FB and games and kids' homework. I have found that piercing myself with a large safety pin both focuses my thinking (suicidal thoughts tend to be racing and confused) and gives me a bit of a high. I will utilize this trick to get through this evening. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and not want to make a new plan at all. I doubt it as it has been days but we shall see. I have the knife hidden and sharpened and I have tested it to make sure that it will be effective with minimal effort. It is just the timing that is difficult because I don't want my kids being the ones to find me.

My poor Guerren is already too much like me. I have already cursed him to a childhood of being taken advantage of. Once his classmates actually see me he will have a whole new world of taunting to deal with. I should have just killed myself that first day back in November. My kids would be being homeschooled my my sister in Missouri if I had. My selfishness and gutlessness are visibly hurting my children. I should have just left my wound unattended after Lily was born. It would have gotten infected, my family would have gotten my life insurance money, my family would be out of debt and my kids would have been raised by better than I since then.

God, you hold my sweet angel babies close to you. Please hold my sweet living babies close to you too. It is not their fault they were born to such as I and You can bring good even from the failure which has been their lives thus far. I commit them, again, to your care, Dear Lord. Thank you for all the blessings in my life. I am sorry for all the times I have turned from Your right path and foiled Your perfect plans. Amen.

God Bless all who read this.