Sick as a dog = good?

I am so sick. Big bad ugly hairy sinus infection. When I can speak I either sound like a man or Peter Brady. I desperately want to crawl in bed and sleep. Wanna know why this is good? Because being sick is the only reason I want to crawl in bed and go to sleep. I don't want to escape stress or my kids or just life in general. I am just sick.



This may sound weird to y'all but this is a big deal for me. I feel normal sick. The fact that normal is in the equation makes me smile.



My psychiatrist and case manager are keeping me in the partial hospitalization program for a couple more days because I had a couple of bad days earlier in the week. After that I will switch to the Intensive Outpatient Program which is 3 1/2 hours 3 times a week. I will also start going to my therapist again. I think we have my meds right. If my bouts with suicidal thoughts get any uglier than they have been this week I will have my anti-psychotic upped one more time. For now I am assuming it was the impending illness that magnified the thoughts and hoping they will settle down.



Thanks to my wonderful brother and sister-in-law, I am going on a Journey retreat next weekend. I get to spend 2 1/2 days and 2 nights immersing myself in scripture and my relationship with God. How awesome does that sound? I am so looking forward to it.



I had an interesting experience earlier this week. On my one really, really bad night, the devil got to me. Not via the dark thoughts, though they were there, but through a human weakness. I am not willing to disclose this particular weakness as I am wholly embarrassed by my behavior. However, in retrospect I can so see that he was working on me and, this time, won. Now this is not to say, "the devil made me do it!" I have free will and I chose to sin but I have never been so aware of the devil's direct influence as I was the other night. I am now very much on guard and am waiting to see how he will try to lead me astray next. It is strange to experience the devil so viscerally. I will be sure to let you know what becomes of all this.

God Bless all who read this.