Just 2 points

So here I am, back again. I was planning on giving you the back story to my current depressed state. But today something happened about which I am not sure how I feel.

This morning was fun. We celebrated St. Nicholas' Day by opening our Christmas pajamas. DH made an awesome breakfast but things went downhill from there. The kids were hyped up on sugar and driving me nuts. Then I had my appointment with my psychologist (aka shrink) in the early afternoon. That is where the troublesome event happened. The shrink had me take this depression inventory test. I expected to test low and find out that he should not have taken me off work and that this is all a waste of time. At the same time I was worried that exactly that would happen.

I scored two points shy of needing to go to the Behavioral Health Center and commit myself. And honestly, one of the questions was about losing one's appetite. Since I eat when I am depressed the questions was the antithesis of me. If one had been written for those who eat excessively when depressed I would have had three more points let alone the two that separated me from the "need to commit yourself" score.

That scares me. I am still largely in denial that I am really that bad off, at least in my good moments. When the suicidal thoughts overwhelm me I know I need help very badly. But on days like today where I am just sort of blah and not hysterical I really feel like I am just overreacting to the bad times. This test makes me rethink that. I was absolutely honest in answering those questions.

I don't know how I feel about this. He wants me to do a dry run at the local Behavioral Health Center. Just to see where I would go if I had an emergency. My gut reaction is no way, no thank you. But this test makes me think I need to bite the bullet and just go. He asked too if I thought I could call 911 if I was in a psychiatric emergency and couldn't get in touch with my support people. I know the answer to that is no way. I'm not sure what that says about me.

I wish I could just feel better and get over this. I'm tired of being handled.

The shrink wants me to predict how the next day will go on a scale of 1 to 10.

Prediction for tomorrow: 4

We shall see.

God Bless all who read this.

A new mission

So I have vastly neglected this blog. Forgotten that it existed in all honesty. So much has happened since I last posted. I won't get into all that in this post. But I want to make an official start to this new mission of mine.

I am battling depression. That is a phrase I never thought I would use. And because I never thought I would use it, I feel very unprepared and lost and scared and lonely. I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help me and yet I feel so very alone.

That is why I decided to start blogging about my journey through depression. Journaling is supposed to be good for one's mental health. I figure blogging is the modern equivalent so here I am. And since I can attach key words to these posts, someone like me might be able to find some camaraderie while they are walking down this dark and overwhelming road.

And so, starting tomorrow I am going to attempt to blog daily about where I am in my journey and how I am feeling. Hopefully doing so will help get hold of the madness and help me see the ups and downs as they happen so maybe my shrink will be right and I will find my way out of the darkness.

God Bless all who read this.

Feminism - bad for everyone

Feminists chap my hide. And according to them they are doing for the sake of my hide. Put in actuality they are doing for their own gratification.

Not only can I now not afford to be a stay at home mom, but the boys with whom my children will grow up are being taught that they are stupid, that strength in men is a bad thing, that competitiveness and aggression are bad but that they need not cultivate self-control. And the women they grow up with will have been taught that boys are stupid and oppressive, that they are victims of a patriarchal society, that promiscuity is synonymous with power and that their children are disposable. All of this thanks to feminists.

Men and women are different. I know this is shocking and revolutionary but I swear it is true. You can tell just by looking at us. Women tend to be shorter and softer and we have boobs and, as I call it to my daughter, "girl parts" down below. Men tend to be bigger, harder, do not have boobs and have distinctly male parts. You can even tell on a genetic level. We have different chromosomes. I know this is a surprise to you because the feminists have been telling you for years that there is no difference between men and women.

I am not feminine. I am not masculine. I am kind of a happy medium with no frills and no sports. And yet, I have two sons who like cars and sports and dinosaurs and like to crash things and wrestle. I also have a daughter who like shoes and purses and dresses. Let our boys be boys with all their rambunctious aggressiveness. Let our girls be girls with all their frills and femininity. It is okay.

I want a baby and I can't have one.

I love babies. I have always loved babies. I was the kid who followed my cousins around when they had babies and held them as often and for as long as I was allowed. I actually wanted to be a nun but I knew I was supposed to be a Mama. Then I got married and tried and tried and tried to get pregnant. Then the doctor told me that I was not producing eggs and would not be able to have kids.

Luckily my DH and decided to ignore the docs and keep trying. And two years later we got pregnant with Adrian and we were so excited. Then we lost Adrian and we were devastated. And so began our child-bearing years. We got Guerren and then Everett. Then we got out God-planned surprise baby Susannah and suffered the most terrible loss parents ever could. Then we got to keep our Lily after the worst pregnancy I have ever had.

You see, when you have had a baby born still, pregnancy is no longer all fun and aches and anticipation. It is a nine month journey through fear after fear after worry after complication after nightmare. So Lily ended up born 10 days early via c-section because my BP skyrocketed to 190/112. They don't let you stay pregnant when your BP shoots that high.

No pregnancy is not longer a simple matter for us. It can be distinctly unhealthy for me. Not to mention, our finances aren't wonderful right now. So we can't just get pregnant because my uterus is tormenting me with phantom kicks and hormones.

But oh how I want to be pregnant again. Or, more correctly, oh how I want another baby. We decided long ago that we want four and we want the last before my husband turns 50. He turns 50 next year. Our youngest is out of diapers. Pregnancy will actually relieve my RA symptoms. And, oh, how I want another baby.

I miss nursing and changing diapers and rocking and gummy smiles and all the wonderful smells that accompany babies.

But I cannot have another baby right now. So will remember and wait.

God Bless anyone who reads this.

And so it begins...

I created my Facebook group last night. I decided to call it "Wash Your Hands, Change the World" after polling some friends. I like it. We have 18 members so far! I hope people invite other people to join so it can grow. Just imagine the mountains that can be moved with thousands or millions more prayers being said every day. I have to decide if I am going to suggest subjects for prayer or if I am going to have a monthly intention list. I'll have to ask my folks. I don't want to bastardize their idea.

Today is another good day. I can stand up straight today, unlike yesterday :-) I have to pay bills though. It might not remain a good day :-P

God Bless anyone you reads this.

Been a long time

I had forgotten I had started this blog. I had such good intentions.

Well, today is a good day. I can hardly move and I am stuck in the house with infectious children and yet today is a good day. For the first time in awhile I have hope for the future. I have a plan to see part of my life become what I really want it to be. That is a good feeling. Today would have been better if I had been able to go to Church.

I want to read the writings of the Church fathers. Or at least read about the writings of the Church fathers. I say that because I have tried to read the writings of Augustine (one of my favorite saints) and I am simply not smart enough to manage it :-) So if anyone reads this and knows of any good books about the Church fathers or a readable writing of a Church father, let me know.

I have two projects I want to start. One is I want to start a special, intense prayer campaign praying for my brother to come back to the Church. I want to specifically pray for St. Monica's intervention since she knows a thing or two about praying for a loved one's soul :-) Second is a project my Papa wants me to start. He wants me to spread the word to have Catholic nurses and doctors pray the Hail Mary while washing their hands. It would make them wash their hands as long as required and that amount of prayer could change the world. I think I will start a Facebook page on the subject and see what I can do with that.

Well, I could promise that I am going to post more, but since that very well may be a lie, I will say I will try.

God Bless anyone who reads this.

What do I do?