I love babies. I have always loved babies. I was the kid who followed my cousins around when they had babies and held them as often and for as long as I was allowed. I actually wanted to be a nun but I knew I was supposed to be a Mama. Then I got married and tried and tried and tried to get pregnant. Then the doctor told me that I was not producing eggs and would not be able to have kids.
Luckily my DH and decided to ignore the docs and keep trying. And two years later we got pregnant with Adrian and we were so excited. Then we lost Adrian and we were devastated. And so began our child-bearing years. We got Guerren and then Everett. Then we got out God-planned surprise baby Susannah and suffered the most terrible loss parents ever could. Then we got to keep our Lily after the worst pregnancy I have ever had.
You see, when you have had a baby born still, pregnancy is no longer all fun and aches and anticipation. It is a nine month journey through fear after fear after worry after complication after nightmare. So Lily ended up born 10 days early via c-section because my BP skyrocketed to 190/112. They don't let you stay pregnant when your BP shoots that high.
No pregnancy is not longer a simple matter for us. It can be distinctly unhealthy for me. Not to mention, our finances aren't wonderful right now. So we can't just get pregnant because my uterus is tormenting me with phantom kicks and hormones.
But oh how I want to be pregnant again. Or, more correctly, oh how I want another baby. We decided long ago that we want four and we want the last before my husband turns 50. He turns 50 next year. Our youngest is out of diapers. Pregnancy will actually relieve my RA symptoms. And, oh, how I want another baby.
I miss nursing and changing diapers and rocking and gummy smiles and all the wonderful smells that accompany babies.
But I cannot have another baby right now. So will remember and wait.
God Bless anyone who reads this.
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