I want a baby and I can't have one.

I love babies. I have always loved babies. I was the kid who followed my cousins around when they had babies and held them as often and for as long as I was allowed. I actually wanted to be a nun but I knew I was supposed to be a Mama. Then I got married and tried and tried and tried to get pregnant. Then the doctor told me that I was not producing eggs and would not be able to have kids.

Luckily my DH and decided to ignore the docs and keep trying. And two years later we got pregnant with Adrian and we were so excited. Then we lost Adrian and we were devastated. And so began our child-bearing years. We got Guerren and then Everett. Then we got out God-planned surprise baby Susannah and suffered the most terrible loss parents ever could. Then we got to keep our Lily after the worst pregnancy I have ever had.

You see, when you have had a baby born still, pregnancy is no longer all fun and aches and anticipation. It is a nine month journey through fear after fear after worry after complication after nightmare. So Lily ended up born 10 days early via c-section because my BP skyrocketed to 190/112. They don't let you stay pregnant when your BP shoots that high.

No pregnancy is not longer a simple matter for us. It can be distinctly unhealthy for me. Not to mention, our finances aren't wonderful right now. So we can't just get pregnant because my uterus is tormenting me with phantom kicks and hormones.

But oh how I want to be pregnant again. Or, more correctly, oh how I want another baby. We decided long ago that we want four and we want the last before my husband turns 50. He turns 50 next year. Our youngest is out of diapers. Pregnancy will actually relieve my RA symptoms. And, oh, how I want another baby.

I miss nursing and changing diapers and rocking and gummy smiles and all the wonderful smells that accompany babies.

But I cannot have another baby right now. So will remember and wait.

God Bless anyone who reads this.

And so it begins...

I created my Facebook group last night. I decided to call it "Wash Your Hands, Change the World" after polling some friends. I like it. We have 18 members so far! I hope people invite other people to join so it can grow. Just imagine the mountains that can be moved with thousands or millions more prayers being said every day. I have to decide if I am going to suggest subjects for prayer or if I am going to have a monthly intention list. I'll have to ask my folks. I don't want to bastardize their idea.

Today is another good day. I can stand up straight today, unlike yesterday :-) I have to pay bills though. It might not remain a good day :-P

God Bless anyone you reads this.

Been a long time

I had forgotten I had started this blog. I had such good intentions.

Well, today is a good day. I can hardly move and I am stuck in the house with infectious children and yet today is a good day. For the first time in awhile I have hope for the future. I have a plan to see part of my life become what I really want it to be. That is a good feeling. Today would have been better if I had been able to go to Church.

I want to read the writings of the Church fathers. Or at least read about the writings of the Church fathers. I say that because I have tried to read the writings of Augustine (one of my favorite saints) and I am simply not smart enough to manage it :-) So if anyone reads this and knows of any good books about the Church fathers or a readable writing of a Church father, let me know.

I have two projects I want to start. One is I want to start a special, intense prayer campaign praying for my brother to come back to the Church. I want to specifically pray for St. Monica's intervention since she knows a thing or two about praying for a loved one's soul :-) Second is a project my Papa wants me to start. He wants me to spread the word to have Catholic nurses and doctors pray the Hail Mary while washing their hands. It would make them wash their hands as long as required and that amount of prayer could change the world. I think I will start a Facebook page on the subject and see what I can do with that.

Well, I could promise that I am going to post more, but since that very well may be a lie, I will say I will try.

God Bless anyone who reads this.

What do I do?

My poor baby

My oldest has the saddest eyes. He has pink eye and the antibiotic drops did not work. Now he has to have this thick nasty ointment in his eyes. He is such a trooper about it. I am so proud of him. He did so well in Kindergarten and he is growing up all the time. Sometimes I forget he is only five and expect too much of him. He has such a tough job being the oldest. We have to make all our mistakes on him. I hope we don't screw him up too badly. He is such a sweet, generous, loving little boy. He wants a new baby.

I want a new baby too. But I can't have a new baby because I am disgusting fat pig and I cannot seem to stick to a diet long enough to lose the weight I need to lose to get my gastric bypass surgery. Am I scared of the surgery? Do I want to die? I do not understand why I can't do it. Sometimes I conscoisuly make decisions to eat things I shouldn't. Other times I don't realize until a meal is over that I just at twice as much as I really needed. How pathetic is that?

I don't want to think about this. I want to go to bed.

Goodnight.

A great American died

My friend JD Delaney died. I had not seen him in years. He was this wonderfully crusty old man who new everything about building sets and many colorful ways to cuss at you. "Measure twice, cut once, don't f**k up." I heard him give this advice to young impressionable kids many times. And those kids loved him. And they they learned the value of hard work and using your brain and living up to your responsibilities. And how to cuss. The good outweighed the bad :)

JD was a war hero. The genuine article. He served in three wars and was decorated repeatedly. He was a weapons specialist or maybe a bomb specialist. He claimed to have invented napalm while cleaning latrines. JD was a great American. A true hero. He loved his wife, his country, his family and kids of all ages.

I miss him but I know, foul mouth and all, that he is in a better place.

God Bless all who read this.

Just listen, and He speaks

A couple days ago, I got the coolest thing ever. It is called God on the Go. It is the entire Bible on a thumb drive. It will link me to the daily mass readings or I can browse by subject or just look through the chapters and verses.

I decided that I would read the daily readings every day and then randomly scroll through the books and then the chapters allowing God to choose my personal reading for the day. Well ask and yes shall receive. Yesterday He led me to Proverbs and parenting advice. Today He led me to Luke and a passage to ease my mind about our tight money situation. It makes me feel warm and loved.

You know, I am a terrible Catholic. I know in my heart that God loves all of us regardless of our sin and unworthiness. I can, entirely honestly, tell someone else exactly that fact and I know it is true. Yet, for myself, I don't really believe. I may have an enormous ego, but I have never felt like God could really love me enough to care about the little things in my world, or even the big things considering how big the whole world is. I know He has saved my life on more than one occasion and he has given me my children and that he watches over us. And yet there is that barrier there.

There didn't used to be a barrier. When I was a kid I would chat with God as I walked down the street perfectly comfortable in the knowledge that he was listening and even responding in a way. I have not felt that closeness to Him since college. And I know the old, "if God feels far away, guess who moved," bit. But I don't know how to get back there. And I don't get how I can know, and be comfortable in my knowledge of, His love and yet still feel this way. I know it is me, but I don't know how to get out of my own way. I want to read Mother Theresa's book because she felt a distance and persevered through it. I am hoping for inspiration.

Thanks for listening.

God double bless all who read this since I forgot to bless y'all last night.