10 pounds!

That's right, in my first 6 days on WW I lost 10 pounds!!! I am so excited. I have not felt deprived at all, quite the opposite. I thinking sticking to this is going to be totally doable.

I am beginning to feel human again. I would say I am feeling like myself except that I don't really know what that feels like anymore. It has been so many years since I was my old, sane self that I don't remember what it felt like. That really bothered me at first. Then I realized that this just means that I am at a crossroads in my life and I have the great gift of being able to reinvent myself hopefully leaving out as many flaws as possible.

God is where I am turning to find what to make of myself. I am trying to find a balance between the death to self He calls for and black whole of depression and self hatred I was in. You might think the two are totally unrelated but they are not in my messed up depressed mind. So I am working on that. I am a terrible prayer and I am working on that as well.

I am enjoying my family so much more than I was. I have even forgotten to take my PRN Ativan a couple of times and still enjoyed them. God is blessing me richly every day.

God Bless all who read this.

Pleasant Surprise

So today's planned exercise was to walk a circuit around the building. My doctor told me to take it slow and not do too much. When my baby girl decided she was going to go on the walk with me I didn't feel like I could stop after just the one circuit. So, I kept walking. I walked until the pinched nerve was making my back scream. Then I sat very quickly in a folding chair my husband had lovingly provided so I didn't have to navigate the toy landmine between the front door and my chair inside.

Then something lovely happened. Once I stopped trying to hack a lung up, I sat in the shade sipping my Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry (while my precious girl sat in a chair next to me sipping milk because she wanted to be with me) and I felt......good. It took a few minutes for the feeling to return to my backside (side effect of that lovely pinched nerve) and my knees made it clear I was not their friend, but I felt good. I know going for a ten minute walk is not big deal for most people, heck it will only get you a fifth of the way through COSTCO, but for me this was huge on so many levels.

For one, this was in public. I am violently paranoid about seeing people who I will have to encounter more than once so walking in my kerchief, with my pronounced limp, with my 3 year old yelling, "Hurry up Mama!" was a real stand against my depression. Second, and I know this is pathetic, I did entirely of my own free will. I hadn't told anyone my plan so they could remind me; I wasn't guilted into by my mother's chiding. I made the plan and I followed through. I haven't had that kind of willpower since this whole depression ordeal began. I have been getting through doing exactly as much as I have to do and tyring to stay out of anything else just to keep balance. I felt good to feel in control and not feel completely overwhelmed by it. And last, but not least, I pushed myself even though I knew the pain would come. I have been very wimpy about challenging myself physically since the RA diagnosis. I have to admit I am still a little scared of the pain that will come tomorrow, but for today I pushed it.

So we sat there, my LoveBug and I, sipping our drinks. As I sat there I thought, "I made it ten minutes. I bet I could make it another five." I know, I'm as shocked as you are. So up the bug and I got and around we went again. No way could I have made it to 20 minutes but I made it fifteen. I am irrationally proud of myself.

Tomorrow if my first weigh in and meeting for WW. I am excited and nervous and just a little nauseous. I have picked a meeting led by the leader I loved 8 years ago the last time I did WW with any real intention of sticking to it. I am fairly certain this was a good idea.

Wish me luck. Offer up a prayer that I handle the results of said weigh in well.

God Bless all who read this.

Rocky but good start

So on my first day doing WW my husband didn't realize I was starting so he made me "last day before the diet" biscuits and gravy for breakfast and similar very NOT diet things for lunch and dinner. SO, on my first I burned through all my day's points and two thirds of my weekly bonus points :-) Hooray for bonus points.

This new system is very strange. All fruit is free. The points targets are much higher. I feel like I'm cheating. I'm not but I feel like I am. It is only Monday and I am already terrified I am going to get there on Thursday and weigh more than I did when I signed up on Friday.

I remember it felt like this last time but I still feel like I'm cheating.

My exercise today was wall push ups. I did 30 which I know isn't many but I am THAT out of shape.

So things seem to be going well. We shall see on Thursday morning.

God Bless all who read this.

I really didn't fall off the face of the earth : )

So, since the last time I posted I have been recovering and fielding life changes and figuring out who I am going to be going forward. It was very weird to realize that I don't remember who I was before the bouts of depression started. But now I am doing well enough to move home and to start weaning me off one of my meds.

I am also starting another journey: weight loss. Just a little background: I went from being a huge baby to being a skinny little kid to being a fat 8 year old and I have basically been fat ever since. I cleared 180 at age 12. I cleared 300 at age 15. Let's just say that I am a great deal heavier than even that now.

Up until my sweet stillborn baby Susannah was born I had virtually no health problems. I had allergies which occasionally kicked up my asthma, but that was it. Then my angel was born and my system started going wonky. Then three months later I got pregnant with my youngest and by the end of that pregnancy I had problems. I had high BP for the first time. The rheumatoid arthritis we were all just waiting for me to develop reared its ugly head. I was tired and in pain and depressed.

Fast forward to now and I am finally tired and in pain but not depressed. SO, I am doing what I did the last time I was concerned about my weight and not depressed; I'm doing Weight Watchers. I lost 65 pounds on it some 8 years ago and I intend to be a great deal more successful this time.

Please pray for me. My sanity is still not solid and dependable but I am really doing so much better. We are also dealing with life changing events (loss of one job, hours cut in the other and an impending move) so I will need to lean on the arms of Him who is all strength.

God Bless all who read this.

Turned a corner

Before I fill you in there are a couple of things I need to do:

1) Thank y0u God for putting in my life the hospital and doctors I needed to really start to get well. Forgive me for trying so hard to reject this gift of life you have given to me.

2) Thank you to all my readers who have prayed for me. Your prayers have kept me safe and held me up through all of this. If you can still spare them, I still need them.

As you know from my last post, I sliced open my abdomen in hopes of bleeding out and dying but it did not work. After that I went to the ER, got 14 staples and an mental evaluation and then spent hours waiting for them to find me a bed. After 14 hours in the ER I was shipped to psych hospital about an hour away. This was a big modern hospital. I was given and very sharp, caring psychiatrist who changed up my meds. In less than a week the change was already obvious. They kept me 11 days then sent me home with my new meds.

I am doing really well psychologically. My wound is infected and I am going to have to have it operated on in the near future. I am enjoying being home with my kids who are on break.

Thank you again for all the prayers; they are why I'm still alive.

God Bless all who read this.

:(

I did it. It didn't work. I can't even get killing myself right. Feeling angry and sad and stupid and useless. Don't know what will happen now.

A plan

I think I have a plan. I think I will stick to my exsanguination plan in the shower tonight but I will bar the door so that it takes adult strength to open it that way if the kids wake up and look for me (which is doubtful as my husband gets home before they wake up usually) they won't be able to open the door. I really think my husband will get home, check the bedroom, see I'm not there and go looking for me and find me.

I hope I have the guts. I should have done it my first night in last time. It would have been perfect. I had the knife, my family wouldn't have had to find me. I had to over think it and wait until my kids were going to be out of town. That is what messed me up last time.

This time I am going to succeed. I am going to end my family's long term pain with a little short term grief.

God Bless all who read this.